I saw a question in this column about myspace.com about four months ago. Well, my co-worker is in constant competition with his friends about how many myspace friends he has and it drives me nuts! So he’s got 400 friends and I’ve only got 200! He brags and brags and brags and it drives me nuts! Myspace.com is nothing more than a popularity contest. I’ve even heard the term “myspaceturbating” for people on there excessively. Isn’t it silly?

Jim

MySpaceturbating Jim,

Actually, MySpace is a social networking website that offers an interactive network of blogs, user profiles, e-mails, and photos for geeks such as yourself. If it is a popularity contest, then it is between you and your myspaceturbating friend. According to my sources, MySpace users “rank” their friends in a certain order, which may cause problems among users from people who are upset about not being on a person’s Top Friends or high enough on the list (any of this sound like you and your silly friend?). Besides, your so-called 200 “friends” are not friends. A friend is someone who would bail you out of jail with their college money or help you move a body if need be, so please – get off the damn computer and go out and find a real friend.

The Diver

Diver,

My neighbor’s teen-age sons just set up a wrestling ring in their backyard and they now have these ridiculous “backyard wrestling” competitions. The neighbors are nice people, but they keep a pretty loose leash on the children. Now every Saturday the backyard is filled with other teenagers hooting, hollering, and beating the crap out of each other. If I go to the store I lose my parking space! Is this legal?

Jennifer, via email from Grand Junction

Dear Jennifer,

I don’t see what you’re fussing about. My three kids hoot, holler and beat the crap out of each other in the back seat while I’m driving. If I slam on the brakes, I can actually whack one or two of them on the head as the forward momentum thrusts their faces into the back of the passenger seat (no, they don’t wear seat belts). I suggest you make the most of this situation by videotaping the yard tards as they flip and dive off the rooftop while bashing their heads in with metal folding chairs, plywood and light tubes. You can then cash in on their ridiculous competitions by selling the tape to a Backyard Wrestling Federation (BWF) website, and oh yeah—don’t go to the store!

The Diver

Diver,

What’s with America and the obsession with celebrities? The Oprah talk around this town disgusts, me. What the hell is wrong with these people? I could give a crap about where Oprah ate or who she high fived. Jesus, I’d be much more impressed if a local waiter said “I served my old high school English teacher today, he made a big difference in my life.” Now my friend who works up north says to me “I served Nitro from American Gladiators.” What? What’s wrong?

Jim

Dear Jim,

I don’t want to brag, but I once beat the crap out of “Mr. Furley” from “Three’s Company.” Anyway, I actually witnessed Durangotangs falling over each other to catch a glimpse of an African American woman on the streets of Durango, and I thought, “Wow, that’s really cool.” Then I found out later that it was just Oprah. Now if it was Halle Berry…..

Discerned Diver