Diver,

I was just on a vacation visiting my very Catholic family, and they got upset with me on Sunday morning when I did not go to church. They all know I don’t go to church anymore, nor do I practice any type of religion. I’m not a bad person, although they think so. So, why do they get mad at me? What can I do to make them understand that it is my choice, and they shouldn’t berate me or try to convince me to go to church?

– Wondering,  Bob

Bob, Bob,

I don’t know. I guess you should do this before you visit your family again, grow your hair long, dye your hair black, and buy some Slayer CDs and shirts. When you go back to visit your family again, wake them up at midnight and tell them to come with you. And if they get upset, you could say “this is what you put me through about going to church, even though I don’t want to, I just wanted to give you a taste of your own medicine.” Then make some tea and have a heart to heart about it all.

– Good luck, Diver 

Dear Diver,

My kids can’t seem to hold onto library books. They check them out, never return them, and then get mad when I make them pay the library for the books. Should I just stop taking them to the library, something I don’t want to do since reading is good for them, or should I just make them buy books with their own money?

– Thanks, Peeved Parent

Hello,

Books are cool, most of the time. But, kids buying a book or two is, and always will be, even better. Also, what’s even better is if they read the book instead of losing them. You know, but, kids are kids, that’s why there are parents to look out for them, because we keep losing stuff.

Books and parents rule … literally.

– The Diver

Diver,

What makes an advice column a worthy method of telling someone what he or she should do? I might as well ask a stranger what to do about my mother-in-law’s drop-in habits or my children’s problem with giving people the finger. Why would you or any other columnist actually be capable of giving advice?

– George in Hermosa

Hello George,

First of all, sometimes a stranger will tell you straight up what they are thinking whether it hurts your feelings or not. Second of all, you should talk to the person that you are having “problems” with. Instead of a complete stranger or other people other then the person. I think that would work better for you.

– Peace out, The Diver