Dear Diver,

I always give a lot to my relationships, my husband, family members and friends. I am starting to resent this because I don’t get much back. I hardly ever get what I really want.  What should I do?

 – Distressed Female

Dear DF,

Oh, the life of woman, doesn’t it suck? Cooking, cleaning, washing your husband’s skid-marked tighty whiteys, and for what? … hmmm, OK,  how about around $130,000. That is what a recent study determined that housewives should be paid. Or is it what they’re worth? I forget. Anyway I think you’re worth 30 times that, just look at Paul McCartney’s wife and her upcoming divorce windfall. So before you start cleaning those boxers, make sure the contracts are signed b/c you’re smart enough, pretty enough, and gosh darn it people love you – don’t they?

– Diver

Diver,                                                                         

I’ve been close to an elderly aunt for years.  None of the rest of my siblings were. Well, guess what? She died and left me a mint! This is killer. However, my family now feels like they should have gotten a “cut.” Well, where the hell were the siblings or her kids when she needed someone to help her around her house during her elderly years? They were nowhere. Great thing is nobody knew she had this stash of money. So, now they want the money. Am I greedy?

 – Mac in Hermosa

Mac,

Your situation reminds me of the movie “Greed” starring Michael J. Fox and Kirk Douglas. Douglas plays the super-rich, ailing geezer surrounded by scheming members of his immediate and extended family. Queue Fox as the long-lost nephew or grandson who shows up on the scene much to the chagrin of the other schemers, and is put to the test. Will he succumb to greed? Find out when you rent this wonderful romp at your local video house. Oh yeah, to answer your question: Your relatives – screw ’em!  Did they change bed pans?

– Diver  

Hey Diver,

My teen-age daughter is getting a little ridiculous with the makeup. She puts on enough to look like a freaking clown. This isn’t some sort of “glam” music thing, she is actually trying to look good, but puts on so much she looks like a prostitute. She considers any kind suggestions from me or advice from her dad as being picked on. How can I get her to understand she’ll still look OK if she tones down the paint just a bit?

 – Distressed mom

 Distressed mom,

My advice will probably not be very popular, but what genius ideas ever are at first? Switch her make-up with lacquer-based or acrylic paint. This should cause such a horrible rash of acne to require laser treatment. The subsequent ridicule at school will outweigh the need to “look good,” and she’ll probably quit this habit all on her own. If that doesn’t work, you will have to do the unthinkable and show her pictures of Tammy Fay Baker, just be sure to avert your own eyes lest you are turned to stone.

– Diver