Dear Diver,

My son keeps getting the dumbest tattoos! In “my day” tattoos were for military personnel, bikers and bad asses. Now every stupid frat boy and his sister have these things. My son has some tribal wrap (he’s never even set foot on a reservation) as well as ink for the band 311. What can I do?

– Mom

Dear “Mom,”

It is my true displeasure to inform you that your son suffers from what Western medicine commonly refers to, ironically enough, as “Stupid Frat Boy and His Sister Syndrome.” It is characterized by an abundance of seemingly meaningless body art and an attraction to talentless, over-rated, under-criticized, stoner, trust-fund, punk/funk, wannabe music. This condition is common in young men and usually stems from the lack of exposure to light as a child. Non-Western practices often refer to this as SAD, or Stupid American Disorder. Cancun has an outbreak of this usually once every spring. Japan also had a brief scare in the mid-90s as you may remember.

Your son may follow current trends and belief systems with reckless abandon, like a lemming to his death you might say. He may start wearing trucker hats and using words like, “sick,” “ill” and “bro-bra” on a regular basis. At times it may seem like schwaggy-bong resin and Pabst has taken the place of his soul. It may be too late, so stop paying his tuition, car insurance and rent right now. Revoke his parking-meter key, cancel his credit cards, and take him to the nearest reservation and let him go. If the casinos don’t get him, the buzzards will.

– Doctor Davidovitch

P.S. Are you from Texas?

Diver,

The other night, I watched some drunk kid try to steal my bike. Well, he grabbed the handlebar, but it was chained up. So he kept going. I ran out after him, and he started talking BS about how he was drunk and thought it was a tree branch. Well, long story short, I kicked his ass for trying to steal my bike. Was I wrong?

– Jim

Hey Jimmy,

Don’t feel guilty, we all have to bash a hippie now and again. I mean, what would he have done with that tree branch once he got it home, root it and grow another big tree? Kids these days…

By “long story short,” I take it that perhaps you were at this bar, probably a bad one, alone. When suddenly through your drunken tears and the cigarette smoke, you see a kid accidentally bump into your bike. Thoughts of your first ex-wife wearing that Widespread Panic ’97 Summer Tour shirt well up in your head. You think of that guy at work that always pissed you off. From your fleeting love life to your poor taste in music, you rationalize the idea that you want to wail on this kid. So you do, big deal. You still have your bike, the tree still has its branch, and this kid has a sore ass. I wouldn’t lose sleep over it.

– Davidovitch

Diver,

I know we live in a different generation from say, our parents. Back then it was common to get out the ol’ paddle to distribute a little discipline. Is it okay now? What do you think?

– Mom in Mancos

Dear Mancos Momma,

I remember once when I was a child, I destroyed my fathers WWII era binoculars that once belonged to his father. He reached for his “discipline-stick” off the top shelf the way that kid must have grabbed his shotgun before he shot Old-Yeller; you know, slow and cautious. His eyes shone bright as he held out that “ol’ paddle” with his enormous hand. The ease with which it swung back and forth; such fluid strokes, with such determination … it haunts me to this day. He beat me five times that night, at ping-pong that is, and twice more the next morning. Just like his father, and his fathers’ father before that. Yep, a good ol’ round of table-tennis has always been an effective, yet firm way to tell your young one, “You’ve been bad. Bad, bad, bad.” Trust me, this works.

So don’t be afraid to show your child a little “hard discipline” now and again, I mean you need to show them who’s boss, right? And if the little booger wins a few rounds, you can always use the paddle to beat the crap out of him/her. Good luck.

– Diving David