Hey Diver (if that’s your real name!),

I have been dating a girl for about a year and a half. She knows I am the one, but I am just not so sure. How can I be confident to make the right decision of either staying with her or breaking it off? She is super sweet and amazing, but I don’t get that “butterflies” feeling in my stomach when she is around. Any ideas?

– Thanks Diver!

Dear Diver!

I would say, either talk to her about your feelings, or eat a bunch of larvae and wait for the butterflies, you trifling B%&*#!

– Diver

Dear Diver,

Why do all the smokers I know constantly make claims or resolutions to quit smoking, then don’t? Why do I get lectures from these people about how bad smoking is and how they want to quit, and then they light up as soon as they get done talking? Are they liars? If it’s so hard to quit, then why start? Smoking sure does suck and it makes people smell like ass. I recently had a hot girl hit on me in the Summit, but I couldn’t get past the fact that she smelled like a freaking ashtray.

– Jackie

Jackie,

Smokers don’t really deserve any sympathy. Durango is now smoke-free, except for the train. Mmmm, soot, yum! Acupuncture works great, one session equals four packs. Jackie, we’re glad you swing both ways girl!

– Divers

P.S. We think ass smells way better than butts.

Diver,

My husband has this awful habit of constantly carrying a bottle of his favorite hot sauce around with him to put on all food he eats. It’s fine that he puts this on everything at home, but he’ll bring it to restaurants, and even worse, other people’s homes. We’ll be a guest somewhere and he’ll say “I love your food, but I’ll love it even more with this hot sauce on it.” It’s very rude, and even more embarrassing. Are these bad manners? What can I do?

– Embarrassed wife from Hesperus

Wife,

Is your husband endorsed by the hot sauce company? You should look into it. You can never have enough money, even in Hesperus. Is it bad manners or just weird? The answer will surface when you stop watching TV.

– Divers