Diver:Diorio’s Justin Crump

Facts: Politics, sports and partying is his forte

Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.

Diver,

I took your advice, and now birds are coming to my feeder, but they’re starlings. What good are starlings? I’m thinking I should stop feeding them and invest the money I save in a mutual fund. What do you think?

– Dave

Dave,

I suggest spending it on beer and weed instead.

– Diver

 
Hey Diver,

For years, I’ve been getting e-mails from some guy in Africa saying he needs my help, his country is going to take his dying father’s money, and he’ll give me upwards of $3 billion if I let him use my bank account. Sound like a scam? Well, I opened up an alternate bank account, replied to the e-mail, and guess what? It’s not a scam, you suckers! Now I’m rich, and everyone who said I was a fool now wants my money. Well, they ain’t getting it.

– Thanks, Robert via e-mail from a small island I just bought

Robert,

A tsunami the size of your ego is about to hit your island. Run.

– The diver

P.S. This guy from Africa is actually a former Enron board member who is using your money to build a new energy empire. What you do not know, is that you are a well-documented investor with a paper trail leading directly to your bank account. Two years from now, you will be the fall guy for a major corporate scandal that you honestly did not know existed, but no one will care and you will do time, sucker.

Dear Diver,

Don’t you think Barry Bonds should be tried (and convicted) for treason? He
obviously has used steroids and lied about it, thus tainting the respect and honor of the national pastime. He’s lied to America. Screw him, send him to jail, don’t you think?

– Mac in Hermosa

Hell no,

Lying to the American public makes you rich. As sports and politics demonstrates, most people will believe anything they see on TV (such as oil companies claiming they have to charge $3 a gallon in order to continue to supply us with oil). Athletes who lie to get ahead don’t deserve to go to jail, politicians who lie to start wars do.

– The Diver

In this week's issue...

June 13, 2019
Haven't got time for the pain

In the words of the great Salt-N-Pepa, let’s talk about sex (baby.) There, we said it.

June 13, 2019
Scoping begins on Silverton travel plan

The plan to bring more singletrack to Silverton is rolling forward. Last week, the Bureau of Land Management announced the beginning of a 30-day public scoping period on its proposed Silverton Area Travel Management Plan.

June 10, 2019
2019 Hardrock taps out

Snow, avi debris, high flows force cancellation