Life before Snowdown

by Ted Holteen

Take heart, Bronco fans. Just think how much worse it would be to lose the big game next week. And for nonfans, just think how horrible it would be hearing about the big game for the next week. Please don’t take this as taunting on my part, as the object of my football affection has ended its season similarly for the past 46 years – with a loss. The difference may be only a regional one, but for our local area, it does take the wind out of the economic sails (not to mention sales) as the collective calm sets in before next week’s storm. Yes, it’s one of those weeks again, wherein the vacuum created by noncreative social planners leaves me the opportunity to opine, inform, gripe and misinterpret the goings-on that affect people other than me.

Case in point: Remember a couple of years ago when the president guy did the aircraft carrier thing? Of course you do, I write about it once a month, but more importantly, it was the “why” more than the “how” that remains significant. There was actually what should have been a historic occasion behind that media stunt, that being Leader Man announcing the end of the hours-old War in Iraq. I mention this not only to allow myself another unsolicited cheap shot at President Dickweed, but also to illustrate yet again the old adage about those not studying history being doomed to repeat it. For on Friday of this week, the free world commemorates the signing of the Paris Accords, which officially ended the Vietnam War in 1973. This may furrow a brow or two among the more historically savvy, for my final memory of that war, like yours, probably recalls not the smoky room meetings in the French capital, but rather the helicopter/rooftop cluster that was the evacuation of Saigon in 1975. It was probably small consolation to the thousands of American families who grieved their war dead in that two-plus-year period of nonwar that their kin died in peacekeeping efforts rather than as just another casualty in an unpopular and illegal war. You see where I’m going with this. More U.S. and coalition soldiers have died in Iraq since the war ended than did so during it, and I fear the worst is yet to come. When someone with common sense finally realizes that Baghdad is untenable and several hundred thousand really pissed off Muslims encircle the once cradle of civilization and current tire fire, I foresee a pullout that will make Saigon look like an elementary school fire drill in comparison. And just like 1975, the top brass and the local well-to-do Tories will fill those choppers, leaving thousands of common folk on the ground to face chopping of a different sort, to wit, that of their heads. That way, there won’t be anyone left to complain when we invade them again in five or six years. It’s almost like they had a plan. Almost.

So that’s your history lesson for the week. What can we do about it? Nothing. Wait, that’s not entirely true. We’re Americans, damn it, and as such we can escape the unconscionable acts committed by our elected leaders by drinking and doing the drugs that they still won’t let us do legally. God, I hate every one of them. Except that nice Mark Larson, and now he’s leaving, too. But that will give him more time to be a barfly, and then he could make the rounds, scarce as they may be, in this eerily quiet pre-Snowdown week. Mark could, for instance, check out the Summit on Friday and catch up on the local music scene with The Frank Trio, and then come back Saturday and gawk at young gyrating hips as the kids dance to the Latin-inspired sounds of Nosotros. You call it lechery; we call it a cultured appreciation of the body as art. Either way, it’s good cheap entertainment. Speaking of culture, the Cortez truck stop baron could broaden his horizons over at The Abbey Theatre on Friday, where authentic Hip-Hop again comes to town, this time in the form of The Procussions. I hope the crowd is a good one, as this stop on the tour could be a letdown for a band that’s been on the road this year with such luminaries as Digable Planets and the pride of my hometown, The Roots. To be clear, neither of those bands will be in attendance, but The Procussions will be joined by DJ inka one and The Rapscallions, which is a great name regardless of their talent. You’ll save five bucks by getting tickets before Friday, which even with a tip, is at least good for an extra beer and therefore worth it.

Perhaps one reason that Representative Larson is so damn tired is that his district is approximately the size of three East Coast states. It even includes Silverton, home of the Explorer’s Club, and that’s where those punks The Freeman Social will be doing their utmost to conjure up an avalanche on Saturday night beginning somewhere around 9 p.m. Bubba hasn’t explained the meaning behind the band’s enigmatic name, at least not to me, but in the tradition of his other projects, the music is good, fast and loud. And let’s face facts – his bass-playing wife is hot. I’m just saying.

If you think I’m self-serving, and judging by a random sample of street people, you do, be thankful that Liggett doesn’t write this column. Not a week goes by that he’s not cajoling me into promoting some event or other put on by that pinko commie liberal hippie radio station he works at. I try to help out whenever I can, as I expect the Parkinson’s to completely overtake him soon, but truth be told he’s really onto something this time. Every Friday at 5: 30 p.m. Liggett interviews a mover and/or shaker in the music world. He calls it “The Local Music Lesson.” Sometimes it’s a local, sometimes a bigger act that’s in town, and sometimes it’s just someone interesting. This week is an example of the last, as Liggett sits down with Kevin Russell, of The Gourds, to discuss the band’s new CD. I don’t know what would compel a person of his stature to deign to speak with Liggett, but he did, and you can hear it at the aforementioned day and time on KDUR.

By the way, in the event that anyone is confused about how I feel about Mark Larson retiring, all joking aside, it sucks. You’ll see. He was one of the good ones, and it’s going to get ugly this year when the fight really gets rolling to replace him. Finding politicians who actually act based on what’s best for their constituents is just plain gauche anymore, kind of like lechery. On the bright side, at least I’ll have some material to work with this summer.

Tell me why my readers should know more about your Snowdown event. egholteen@hotmail.com. You can stop looking for Saigon on the map – it’s not called that anymore. •