Dear Diver,

Our dog is ruining everything! He’s eaten up the furniture, soiled every rug and even eaten my antique models of the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria. It’s ridiculous. I’m about to take the thing for a ride if you know what I mean, but my husband won’t let me. What’s the best way to train a dog and train him right?

– Frustrated Master

Madame,

When I had a puppy who chewed one of my flip flops, I whupped that dog’s ass with the partially eaten flip flop. She did not touch the other flip flop. So take your Nina, Pinta, Santa Maria, and part of the rug and go to town on your dog. If you are too sensitive to beat your dog, then send him to obedience school. They will do it for you.

– Diver

Diver,

The weirdest thing happened to me last night. My doorbell rang at about 7 p.m., and it was some guy claiming my tenant has been letting him and his family come over to take showers while their “new well” was being drilled. I was totally baffled, and since this guy smelled like cheap beer, I figured he was lying. Well, now I’ve spoken to the tenant, and he wasn’t. But come on, in my position it was just some guy and a couple dirty kids on the porch claiming they were coming in to take showers? I figured he was going to rob me blind! Was I wrong?

– Jack

Jack,

I don’t get it, why is your door the same as your tenant’s? Either way, show them the hose in your back yard and give them a towel.

– Diver

Dear Diver,

My co-workers always give me a hard time because I like to go to lunch alone. I have a job where I talk to people all day, and come lunchtime I want to sit by myself and eat. Not sit with others, eat and yap. Yet they hassle me about this. Is this OK? Jesus, I just want some peace and quiet sometimes!

– Jim

Jim,

It is not OK. There is no such thing as peace and quiet. It sounds like you are making a desperate attempt for friends. If you really wanted to eat alone, you would not advertise this in the diver column. If I ever see you, Jim, I will be sure to join you and bring all of my friends to chat with you. I hear your cries for attention, and they will not go unnoticed.

–Diver