Diver:David from Nature’s Oasis

Facts: David once rescued a puppy, an infant and a nun from a fire. They are still in his basement.

 

Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Diver,

For years, my wife and I have used the “Santa’s watching” line as a way to keep our kids in line. Well, would any parents REALLY not get kids presents due to bad behavior? I mean, if we keep the lie up, then really enforce the rule that “Santa doesn’t get bad kids presents.” That’s what I’m doing this year for my oldest son, who has been nothing but a degenerate all of 2006. Do you think that is OK?

– Dad in Durango

Dear Dad,

So what you are saying is that you lie to your children to get them to behave. And for what? So you can spend your hard-earned money on them at the end of every year? Crazy man ... crazy. The sad (and funny) part is that when your children realize that they have been lied to their whole lives, they think that lying is an acceptable form of behavior. So they start getting high, having sex and drinking beer (in that order). Next thing ya know, your daughter is knocked up and stoned, while your son is sloshed and trying to figure out how he’s gonna tell dad that he totaled the Hummer. Don’t you see this pattern you are creating? Save yourself a lot of trouble and just tell them that the evil, evil terrorists shot Santa Claus down, the reindeer flew back to the North Pole but couldn’t land because of the melting polar ice caps, and Mrs. Claus has far too much to do since the elves joined a union. Bam! You are set for eternity. If they ever call your bluff, threaten to withhold their trust fund. Then take that money you would have spent on them and get a life.

– Diver

Hey Diver,

Is it OK for me to date my ex-girlfriend’s sister? Or would that be a little strange? Who knows? She could be psycho, too.

– Jimmy

James,

Hell yes it’s OK ... no, wait, that’s not cool. Imagine this: You go into a supermarket and buy a gallon of milk. This milk ends up tasting like $#!% !! Right? The next time you go to buy milk, are you going to get that kind again? No sir. Do you understand my metaphor? It works with bread, eggs, beer, anything really. What I’m trying to say is that siblings tend to be very similar by nature. Sure they may have different quirks, but essentially you would be putting yourself back into the same situation as before; same milk, different expiration date. Catchin’ my drift? Jeez, this sounds like the beginning of an episode of Jerry Springer.

– Diver

Diver,

I recently got totally wasted at a party and some video was shot of me dancing around, cursing, gyrating, drinking more and dancing more. Now it’s been posted on youtube and sent all over the place. I’m pissed. Should I take revenge? Is my drunkeness being public viewing OK? Are there legal implications I can undertake?

– Jerry

Hey Jerry,

Sucks to be you. This column and that video are your 15 minutes of fame my friend. Soak it up. And to answer your question on revenge, Sir Winston Churchill once said, “Anyone can rat, it takes a certain amount of ingenuity to re-rat.” Take that however you want. Oh, and yes, this is America, so there are certainly legal implications. I am sure some fat-cat, snake-in-the-grass-lawyer would LOVE to take your money, especially when he sees how much of a gyrating drunk you are. Man ... I need my own advice column.

– Happy Holidays!!! David

In this week's issue...

May 14, 2020
The great re-awakening

Shrouded in unknowns, the timeline for re-opening some businesses in Colorado came into clearer view Tuesday.

May 15, 2020
The best defense

Pandemics often bring pandemonium. It is easy to be fearful about coronavirus. But we already possess the greatest weapon on Earth against it: our amazing body and its powerful immune system.

May 7, 2020
Yes! The Farmers Market is opening

It may be hard to imagine, but while us humans are shuttered away in our houses, or hiding behind facemasks and Zoom meetings, the natural world is going on without us.