Dear Diver,

Last year, I was in a bar in your town and ran into a former professional athlete in town making an appearance. I’ll leave all details on whom and what sport out just for privacy reasons. However, he is a family man, according to his manager, a decent man, etc. This particular night, it was a late random night, he was totally wasted and VERY inappropriate to my lady friends, and the way he was acting would probably result in his divorce, if not some legal implications. This respected, very-in-the-spotlight former pro athlete could have his life and career ruined by the way he was acting. I could tell the press major details, but have not. I’m very offended. Should I ruin his life?

– Ralph via email

Dear Sports-bra,

I smell a lawsuit! Rally the lady friends in question and get a lawyer. Remember all that stink with Kobe? That girl cashed in, which is why the amount of the settlement wasn’t disclosed. Just make sure that your name is on the suit or you’re not getting a dime. If the athlete is Todd Bertuzzi you should just mail him a nail bomb.

FIRE IN THE HOLE!

– The Diver

Dear Diver,

Do you have any opinion about the people who think a peace sign is an anti-Christ symbol and the amount of Christians in the Bush administration laying their way into war? Is that a roundabout way of saying that Republican Christians are anti peace – or pro war? If so, it sure would explain allot.

– Karl Hungus

Dear Allot Of Public Education,

This is a complex issue. First of all, if you are high enough, a peace symbol can look like a portrait of Mickey Rourke so I don’t put much stock in that argument. Secondly, I was under the impression that this conflict was a war for oil which the mighty monster truck Grave Digger needs in order to continue crushing rusted-out Buicks for my white trash brother’s enjoyment. Seriously, what would my mullet-sporting brothers in the Midwest do for fun on a Friday night if it weren’t for monster truck rallies? Have you ever been to Ohio or Missouri? Geezus, it is boring. So in conclusion, get a job. You have too much time on your hands.

– Diver

Diver,

My child goes to a local school, and they often have “theme” days. Well, yesterday was “bling” day, which is just ridiculous. I thought we lived in a time and a town that doesn’t teach materialism. Well when shows like “Cribs” or whatever tell kids that success is measured in “bling,” I think that sends a ridiculous message. These are teachers supporting this! How freaking stupid. No wonder this country is in the can, because the majority of people here are morons who think you need a Rolex to be successful. A letter to you is for venting, a letter to the school board is next, for change.

– Thanks, Disgruntled Dad who will be “blingless” forever

Dear Dad,

I thought I told you to pick up Lil’ John’s new CD and get an 18” in the trunk of your BMW! This is why all the kids laughed at me in high school! Seriously though, have you ever seen those rims that keep spinning when the car stops? It’s “freaking” amazing! I’m saving up for a set for my Nine-Deuce Carolla to match the chrome caps that I’m getting fitted for at the dentist next week, son. I’m also in the process of constructing the ultimate crunk cup so I can bling even when I’m drinking my water in the morning. Maybe you need to start watching VH1 instead of MTV. You are a little out of touch with reality and need training wheels.

HOO-WHAT? OKAAAAAYYYYY!

– Peace outside, Diver.