Diver: Stephanie from Nature’s Oasis

Facts:Stephanie’s answers in this week’s column qualified her for “manager’s pick” at not one but two Durango establishments.

Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.

Diver,

Yo, check it. I noticed that cigarette butts litter our streets and sidewalks now that smoking is banned from all the establishments. Yes, of course cigarettes look cool when people are smoking them, but they don’t look cool when they are lying on the ground with all the good stuff (tobacco) missing. Stained fiberglass rolled in paper just isn’t that sexy. Is it best to throw all my butts on the ground so it becomes a big problem and ashtrays finally become implemented? Maybe I’ll just smoke half and leave it on the windowsills for all those 12-year-olds that don’t have the funds to start or fully immerse themselves in this much loved hobby. What you think?

– Peace, Justin

Justin,

Even though I do not feel obligated to answer a question that begins with “yo, check it,” for the sake of all Durangoans, I’ll put in my two cents. The world of tobacco has a wonderful solution to this problem of butts. Two words: The Danish (or your preference may require a different two words: The Norwegian). These fine selections of rolling tobacco offer the recreational smoker a fine tasting tobacco, as well as the satisfaction of putting in the work of creating your own, hand-rolled, smoking sensation. Those who are willing to put in the extra work of creating their own smoke will also be willing to put in the extra work of finding an appropriate receptacle for the remains of their smoke.

– Diver Steph

Diver,

I can’t believe it. My sister is now going out with my ex-boyfriend! I wanted this guy out of my life, and he’s back in! It’s ridiculous, he’s an ass. How can I get my sis to break up with him?

– Jennie

Jennie, Jennie, Jennie,

The woes of sisterhood and the woes of ex’s have collided in your world, and I have some bad news: there is no solution to your problem. Your best bet is to try a form of retaliation that solves nothing and only functions to make you feel better about yourself. I suggest eggs, Saran Wrap, or maybe little TNT. Good luck.

– Diver Steph

Hey Diver,

How come you repeat divers? How come some restaurants don’t get represented? It’s always Nature’s O, or DSP, or Homeslice, or Skinny’s … what about McDonald’s or Burger King?

– Rob

Dearest Rob,

As I’m feeling slightly offended by your question, due to the fact that I have had the pleasure of working at two of the aforementioned establishments, here’s what I’ve got for you: these places take the time and effort to hire those individuals who will offer their place of business an air of professionalism, while creating a fun and enjoyable working environment. They focus on personality and character, not just ability. Plus, most of us are cute. We divers truly understand that you are upset that you do not know the diver-picker, but we feel it is unfair to take out your rage on us.

– Please seek anger-management courses, Diver Steph

In this week's issue...

June 13, 2019
Haven't got time for the pain

In the words of the great Salt-N-Pepa, let’s talk about sex (baby.) There, we said it.

June 13, 2019
Scoping begins on Silverton travel plan

The plan to bring more singletrack to Silverton is rolling forward. Last week, the Bureau of Land Management announced the beginning of a 30-day public scoping period on its proposed Silverton Area Travel Management Plan.

June 10, 2019
2019 Hardrock taps out

Snow, avi debris, high flows force cancellation