Diver,

What the hell is wrong with people in this town? They don’t like rock and roll! Sure, every so often people turn out to see a local punk band, but for the most part when good NATIONAL rock comes through, people sit home and yearn for some mindless jam band to come and harmlessly noodle away. This modern hippie movement is turning people into sissies who can’t turn an amp to 11 and kick some ass. Is rock and roll dying?  

– Howie

Howie,

I am fully with you to the max, bro. I think it makes you a hippie if you like intelligible lyrics and anything other than loud power chords. Howie? I think I “met” you at the Sky Ute Casino for Bachman Turner Overdrive and Molly Hatchet a while back. If I remember correctly, I beat you up in front of your kids because you were wearing the same ripped-up White Snake shirt as me. My objectives for the night were to get in a fight, drink myself stupid and listen to some loud-ass music. In that order. Mission accomplished bro! Anyway, if you want to know what’s wrong with hippies, go ask them, cause I’m a straight-up shredder for life.

– Diver

Diver,

My friend keeps getting himself in these situations where good-looking girls get him to do the stupidest things. Wash their car, drive them to the airport in Albuquerque, buy them concert tickets, whatever. My friend thinks this will lead somewhere with these girls, but it never does. I try to tell him he’s getting played, but he doesn’t listen. Should I keep letting him get played? He sure ain’t getting laid!

– David

David,

You have obviously misunderstood the situation. Although he hasn’t told you, your friend is actually an employee of mine. He does errands and favors for my many mistresses, so I can focus on doing my job – Dishin’ out the lovin’. The girls are stacking up, so if you’re hard up for a job, come see me.

– Diver

Hey Diver,

What up with the Ranch burning down?

– Gooch

Gooch,

I believe that the Ranch fire was a blatant example of divine intervention. I think there are two reasons for the fire. First, I am turning 21 on Aug. 8, and God didn’t want me to get sloppy drunk seven nights a week. Secondly, I believe this is retribution for Colorado’s new no smoking law. Think about it, the first month ever when there was no smoke in the Ranch, there was a business-closing fire. God, who is a vengeful chain smoker, is obviously exercising his wrath in hopes of being able to light up. Don’t make him smite the Roadhouse. One thing is for sure, I fully plan on camping outside of the Ranch, Star Wars style, so I can be the first one in the door on the triumphant grand re-opening. I’ll be the guy sporting a gas mask connected to a 15-foot tube so I can smoke “inside.”

– Diver