Dear Diver,

My slutty friend is pregnant, and like an episode of “Days,” she doesn’t know who the father is. She has it narrowed down to three people, and I can’t believe it. How would you let yourself get into this disposition? She wants to tell the one she likes the most that he is the father. Do you have any advice?

  – Gretchen

Gretchen,

Your reference to “Days” brings an obvious answer. Instead of judging your friend, pick a fun role to play in her soap opera life. Perhaps you can have a love affair with her favorite possible dad, steal the child and bring it up as your own on a deserted island only to come back to this crazy town when the child is 10. Tell your friend where you have been all those years and how the one she loved was killed in a money-smuggling operation ... or was he? 

     – All’s well that ends well, Divers

 Diver,

Please settle an argument. Where did the 4:20 thing come from? I think it is an address of a bust in California back in the day. Everyone knows what it means, but no one knows why.

– Willow

Willow,  

The origin of 4:20 is actually much older than the famed Cali bust. It is a long story, but we will try to make it as concise as possible. In the year 408A.D., Flavius Theodosius II became the emperor of the declining Roman Empire at the fragile age of 7. While the state was mostly run by ministers and his sister Pulcheria, the young Theodosius was under a lot of stress and a reward was offered for anyone who could find a way to calm the young man’s nerves. It took several years, but right about the time that Theodosius took full control of the empire, a farmer was able to grow a plant that produced the desired effect (with a mild side effect of munchiness). The farmer named the plant after the East Roman empire, Constantinople, but because of confusion over long distances, different dialects and illiteracy, the plant was officially named Cannibus. The herb’s popularity quickly spread and given several nicknames, one of the most popular was a reference to the year that it was first cultivated. Thus, we have 4:20 (of course back then it was called IV:XX). So now you know, but if you don’t have the desire to go through the entire history, you can always offer the ever-appropriate answer of “Oh, man … I forgot.”

   – Almost as good as Duane Smith, Divers

 Diver,  

One of my best friends, John, has a wretched girlfriend. She is selfish and mean. The sound of her voice makes my ears bleed. Our circle of friends can’t stand her. She doesn’t have a job, and she is not in school. She just moves herself into his house and is just there … ALL the time. She is the kind of girl that flirts excessively with other guys when he is not around. Even his parents don’t like her. I think she is trouble and a user. How can we make her disappear forever? Please help.

                                          – Hope

Hope,

Disappear forever? Well here’s an idea. Crazy as it is, it might just work. Convince the girl she’s won a trip to our nation’s capital. Once there, take her to see our ever-versatile Vice President Dick Cheney. Dress her up as a cage-raised quail and hopefully, if all goes well, he will shoot her in the face. I know it sounds impossible! The vice prez shooting someone in the face? No way! But crazier things have happened. It’s worth a shot (insert rim shot here). If that fails, we will stay true to typical diver answer and say: Send John to the Bean. We will flirt and bat our eyes, and one of us will have him won over and ditching the crazy chick in no time.

                                  – With love, Divers