The difference between us and them

by Ted Holteen

won’t bore you with the details of my recent trip to London, but humor me as I jot down a few items before they go into the cesspool that is my short-term memory. It’s now or never:

• The weather just ain’t all that bad, and most of the British are not, in fact, jerks, as I had assumed. They are very short, however.

• British mannequins have the largest breasts of any that I’ve ever seen. I mean, they’re really stacked, not that I’m a perv with a dummy fetish, but when they’re leaning out the door with a cupless bra and even nipples, a good reporter notices.

• I’ve said it before, but not as well as the late Joe Strummer – the world is getting really bored with the USA. Even public service announcements in the Underground lampooning Dubya were left mostly nondefaced, as if in respectful deference to that important and noble task. I should’ve stolen one, but that would kind of play right into it, y’know?

• When in search of stuff that you shouldn’t try to pack in a suitcase that goes through Customs, try Camden Town. But, and I can’t stress this enough, opt for the authentic Jamaican or African rastas over the Somalian street gangs. Better stuff and a lot less stabbing.

That’ll have to do for now, but I should also mention that for all of the city’s multiculturalism, and there’s a lot, it is severely wanting for a Native American population. We caught a stage presentation of “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” starring none other than Christian Slater in Jack’s McMurphy’s role (he was actually pretty good), but I really had to step outside of myself to accept the 7-foot Arab they had playing Big Chief. Lucky for me I was drunk, so it worked.

A Dada-inspired table by Heather Leavitt and Craig Dabovich will be one of many items auctioned at KDUR’s Furniture as Art fund-raiser Thursday, April 6.

That’ll have to do for now, but I should also mention that for all of the city’s multiculturalism, and there’s a lot, it is severely wanting for a Native American population. We caught a stage presentation of “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” starring none other than Christian Slater in Jack’s McMurphy’s role (he was actually pretty good), but I really had to step outside of myself to accept the 7-foot Arab they had playing Big Chief. Lucky for me I was drunk, so it worked.

And so I return to the Four Corners having in no way bettered myself for my chosen vocation, that of the informed and thoughtful critic. But with a new mortgage in hand, I gotta try. I think I’ll stick with the stage, and for once you’ll have to choose between two bona fide plays in the same week, although one goes a bit longer than that and only one is actually a play. The one-time only show happens at 7 p.m. on Sunday at the FLC Concert Hall, where Durango native Cody Lyman comes home with a one-man show called “Defending the Caveman.” Cody’s been all over the country learning and performing legitimate comedic theater, including Second City’s Conservatory, and this thing is his take on the differ

ences between men and women. I hope he does a better job at it than that damn Jeff Foxworthy, which would then almost guarantee that it’s funny. We need more comedy around here anyway.

The other play in town, as opposed to the one-man show, is part II of something that had a very cool part I, “Angels in America.” You may remember part I was here last fall, and it dealt with paradoxes in human kindness. So does Part II, but of course taking things just a step further. What, my well-meaning but simple minded readers ask, is a paradox? Well, a Mormon mother caring for a dying AIDS patient (which he did not get from a blood transfusion) and a black drag queen nursing a right-wing racist are paradoxes. You figure it out from there, but that’s a good start. It opens Thurs., April 6, and goes all this weekend and next weekend with some matinees thrown in – check local listings or call the FLC Theater Department at 247-7089. I give that number because that’s where the play’s happening. Probably should’ve mentioned that earlier.

I can just hear Hugh Felt ranting, “Why have I had to suffer through Ted’s stupid trip to London and a bunch of theater sissies before the jackass mentions the Durango Bluegrass Meltdown?” Good question, Hugh, but as I implied earlier, I think I’ve got a good handle on these reader people and their silly ways. Fact is, you’ll have trouble being on the streets this weekend without running into someone dragging an upright bass around at 2:30 in the morning looking for a party at the Rio Grande Inn because no one told him it’s a Best Western. Do it right, get the wristband, and the rest will take care of itself. The four main venues are the Abbey, the Arts Center, the Elks Club and the Diamond Circle, but there are bonus shows not on the official schedule, including the Hot Strings at the Summit on Friday night. Keep your eyes and ears open, because those bluegrass people can and will play anywhere you give them about 4 square feet or so. SPECIAL TONIGHT ALERT! Time once again for KDUR’s super-cool Furniture as Art Auction, that thing what where the artists are given some old piece of crap table, chair, dresser or whatever and turn it into something that people pay good money to take home. It’s lots of fun and will sell out.

A special note of thanks to two FLC alums making good in the world. Lucas and Nicole Garland, nee Waggoner (class of ’99 and ninety-something else) were our gracious hosts in England, and I’m sure they’d be happy to put up in their boss apartment anyone who reads this who may be planning a future trip over that way. I really hope they don’t read this.

Tell me your vacation plans – I deserve it. egholteen@hotmail.com. Aren’t you glad I didn’t go to Branson? •