Diver: Jonezy, uhh, we mean “El Mysterioso” from The Palace

Facts: “El Mysterioso” wrestles waiting and busing tables, dishes and drunks from the southside


Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Diver,

I’m a regular Animas River Trail bike rider, and I don’t understand why the lamps at the north end of the trail always go out as I ride by. Should I be worried about evil curses and witchcraft, or does Bob Ledger just not like me?

-Midnight Rider

Midnight Rider,

Boy, Bob Ledger is scopin’ you out! I wouldn’t worry so much about that evil stuff. It’s that luminous dot above your ear you should be fearing. “When the infa-red pointin’ at your head kid…”

  -Klickety Klack-Splat! Diver

Hey Diver,

My roommate thinks he is a musician. Actually, he’s not a bad guitar player but as of late he’s been driving me nuts. He practices the same three songs over and over…those three songs are “Today” by the Smashing Pumpkins, “Foolish Heart” by the Grateful Dead and something by Matchbox 20. It’s awful

and it has to stop! How can I politely tell him that the Pumpkins song is probably their worst, “Foolish Heart” is an awful Dead song, and Matchbox 20 blows?

-Thanks, Tone Deaf

Hey Tone Deaf,

Practice is good, very good. His choices however suck the sweat from a dead man’s you-know-what. Find some songs you like, like that one about dog food, cocaine, booze and your sister.

 -In your Face! Diver

Dear Diver,

I was just in Durango dropping off my son for his second year at FLC. I love the paper by the way. However, here is the problem. We live and my son grew up in Boulder. However, I discovered he told all his friends down there that he is from the ghetto, like from Five Points in Denver or something like that. He also has taken on this “gangsta” persona, which is just silly since he was on the ski team and homecoming king at Boulder

High….it’s a total joke right? Wrong…why does my son want to be a thug?

-Dad in Boulder


When your son comes home for Christmas vacation get him really drunk, drive to Five Points late at night, push him out of the car and tell him to sell rocks. He’ll look at you all scared, that’s when you say, “What you think this is a game? Man up Partner, Man Up!” Laugh loudly, shut the door and drive away.

-Pop it on the stem and flame on! Diver

In this week's issue...

January 25, 2024
Bagging it

State plastic bag ban is in full effect, but enforcement varies

January 26, 2024
Paper chase

The Sneer is back – and no we’re not talking about Billy Idol’s comeback tour.

January 11, 2024
High and dry

New state climate report projects continued warming, declining streamflows