Diver,

What is the best way to teach children responsibility? I?ve read many books, and I give my children many chances. Yet they still don?t care about coming home on time or doing chores. Punishment means nothing to them. Should I be more strict? Or perhaps maybe I should stop doing my chores, cooking and cleaning for them, etc. Do you have any experience with kids?

? Thanks, Dawnette

Dawnette,

I must admit, I do not have any experience with kids, but a customer once told me that when your kids misbehave, if you turn them away they will realize how much they need you and become obedient children. However, if you do the (how did he phrase this, ?American thing? I believe it was) and smother your children and try to regulate their lives, they will see you as another authoritarian figure in this hierarchical system that regulates our country and rebel from you.

? Hope that helps, Diver

Hey Diver,

I?m pretty psyched that ?road riding? season is coming to an end. Now I won?t have matching spandex-wearing cyclists peeing on my property like I?ve had about six times this year. I even caught one guy taking a dump. This winter, I?m saving up for a gun that shoots rock salt. Now, when some pansy stops to pee on my property, he?ll get his! I?m also relieved that driving on CR 203 and 250 won?t be a hazard when these people ride four, side by side, and I have to pass them on a blind curve. So, I guess I don?t have a problem, just a statement! Watch out cyclists, 2006 is coming!

? Jimmy in Hermosa

Jimmy,

Dude, try a sign before you shoot people. One even as simple as, ?Don?t piss on my property or I will shoot you,? could potentially be more effective than rock salt and bring less retaliation. But I agree: Matching spandex sucks.

? Diver

Dearest Diver,

I?m a 14-year-old girl, and I?m sick of the way some of the ?boys? here, (and I mean ?boys?) refer to us girls. They are constantly judging us and using

terms like ?butterface,? as in, she?s good looking but her face, or ?good from far but far from good.? And I won?t even go into the whole ?MILF? thing that they refer to my Mom as. How can I teach these ?boys? a lesson in manners?

?Angry Freshman 

Freshman,

These ?boys? seem to be pretty into your mom. I suggest figuring out a way to use her against them, if they still don?t change, then don?t sleep with them when you get older.

? Blaming pop culture for boys judging girls, The Diver