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Diver: Thomas from the Children’s Museum

Facts:Thomas doesn’t stand for looting, naked yoga or conscription.

 

Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.

Diver,

I am against the war in Iraq. My son, however, isn’t. Jesus, he’s like Alex P. Keaton. I don’t know where he gets his “right” beliefs, but certainly not from me. He has “researched” this country’s involvement in Iraq and stands behind it. So, I’ve decided to sign him up for military service! If we just started drafting children of war supporters, the tides would change. Bring on the draft!  

– Major Dad in Durango,

Daddy Dearest

I don’t think “bringing on the draft” will help anyone. But if your bad parenting instincts are telling you to ship your kid over to Iraq, then you better follow your gut feelings. But before you overreact, look at how young males are brought up on guns and GI Joes, struggling to fit into our tough “guise” culture. I am personally scared of guns and all weapons, for that matter. This could be due to the fact that I played with My Little Pony and readThe Babysitters Club. This could also be the reason why kids like yours like to beat up guys like me. Thanks bundles!!!!  

– Diver

Diver,  

Having experienced no problems with the whole sharing idea for two months of living with my roommate, I borrowed his VCR one night out of his room, and for that he kicked me out two days later (his name was on the lease). What would you say to someone who forceably creates homelessness due to freakishly overreacting?

– Couch Surfer Extraordinaire

Dear Lousy Thief Roommate,

People are crazy and even crazier about their possessions. Let me bring you back to a time in my life where I felt that my possessions were breached by an unwelcome guest. One beautiful day, when the rainbows were bright and the clouds few, I came home dreaming of my couch and a little Yanni one on one. Yanni was vibrating throughout the house, but instead of a lonely living room, there was my roommate practicing yoga, NAKED!!! He was one of those “new world Durango” types, so I should have seen it coming instantly following the fire dancing and the late-night bongo sessions. I let the first two atrocities slide, but when the naked yoga tragedy happened, I kicked him out while he was still in his downward dog. You got what was coming, you filthy thief.  

– One of the most passionate divers

Hey Diver,

I was drunk and walked this girl home and made out with her. My girlfriend’s friend drove by, and now the cat is out of the bag. It was a drunken mistake! How do I patch things up?  

– Jimmy

Jimmy, my sweet,

I’d like to start with a quote from the very wise and knowledgeable Ludacris. “I’ve got ho’s in different area codes!” I don’t know if you are familiar with this pop/rap genius. I am guessing not, since you’re still pondering over your cheating problem. However, you’re in luck because Ludacris’ lyrics are a part of my every day repertoire. Let’s begin, shall we? Ludacris is “pimping all over the world,” and you’re in Durango, Colo., whining over some girl you obviously don’t even like that much, since you have the nerve to cheat on her. See my point? So pick your lame ass off the floor and get right back into your daily routine of drinking, fighting and randomly making out. And don’t worry, Jimmy, you can go back to the Ranch anytime, get drunk and then any girl (as well as guy) will look like a million bucks. Now go get ’em, tiger.

– The German Fantasy Diver

In this week's issue...

June 13, 2019
Haven't got time for the pain

In the words of the great Salt-N-Pepa, let’s talk about sex (baby.) There, we said it.

June 13, 2019
Scoping begins on Silverton travel plan

The plan to bring more singletrack to Silverton is rolling forward. Last week, the Bureau of Land Management announced the beginning of a 30-day public scoping period on its proposed Silverton Area Travel Management Plan.

June 10, 2019
2019 Hardrock taps out

Snow, avi debris, high flows force cancellation