Hey Diver,

My neighbor and I are fighting over this dead tree that lies on our property line. With heating bills looking to be sky high this winter, we want to cut it down and burn the thing. It’s easily a cord and a half of wood. However, we are arguing whose it is. I even said we should split the wood, and he refuses. How can I attempt to settle this without going to court or fighting?  

– Jim

Hey Jimbo,

We don’t believe there is a nonviolent answer to your question. What country are you from anyway? We suggest you start a war on his property and call it “Operation Neighbor Freedom.” You can change the name however you like to justify your being there. Claim that you are there to help him out and in the process, steal the tree and any other natural resources you can get your hands on. While on his turf, you might as well destroy his house and claim that he had other many different “trees” hidden in the basement. After claiming that, tell everyone that you found the trees and freed your neighbor and you will be a hero. Get our drift? Draft?

– Good luck soldier,

Divers

Dearest Diver,

It’s been a long time, but the “Family Circus” (you know, the comic) is still really bumming me out. It’s so damned stupid. So, there’s my problem.

– Eddie in Ignacio

Eddie,

Because you forgot to ask me a question, we can only assume that you’re stupid and you want us to tell you what you can do about this. We suggest that you quit your bitching and do something about it. Why don’t you draw a cartoon that portrays American families in a more realistic light? You might want to try drawing a cartoon about a fat, lazy Midwesterner driving an oversized SUV screaming at the soccer team in the back seat and then retreating home to open a bottle of Ten High. We think that should suffice.

– The Divers

Hey Diver,

Here’s an ethical question for you. I was just on vacation in New York City and found a wallet in a subway restroom. Nobody else was in the restroom, and it was late at night. The thing was filled with money. I did not turn the wallet in. Instead, I kept the money. Hell, it’s New York, and things are expensive. Well, my girlfriend has not let go of the fact that I should have turned it in and is constantly laying a guilt trip on me. Will karma come back and haunt me?

– Bill

Dear Bill,

We hope that whatever you spent the money on was worth it, because it sounds like you also bought yourself an eternity of unhappiness and nagging. We’re guessing that you didn’t buy her anything, and her materialistic bitchy side is shining through. This is only the beginning, soon she’ll be whining about your small penis; and after that, who knows what? At least you had a small amount of monetary bliss, before she spends all of your money on liposuction for her fat ass.

– Look what you’ve done, The Divers