Meat wars, bargains & beer, and what's a Penumbra?

by Ted Holteen

I’ll try to keep this simple, as questions regarding my summer itinerary are giving my editors fits and causing unwarranted confusion among the unwashed masses. I did not, as earlier reported, run off to Canada for some much-needed R&R. The reasons for this are threefold: First, I discovered much too late that I am not in fact still eligible for the draft. Second, I got a better offer – eight glorious days on the Salmon River in Idaho, and we must all make our choices and live with the outcome. Finally, I remembered that I have responsibilities here at home, and that’s where we’ll begin with the meat of this week’s stroll about town. (My apologies in advance for a cheap pun.)

Traffic snarls will once again be the norm on Saturday as The Women’s Resource Center continues to execute its quest for an Amazonian empire built on the backs of exploited male labor. As first reported last month, the Men Who Grill competition will get under way at 12th and Main at noon, with teams of desperate barbecue suck-ups vying for favor in the eyes of the Sapphic monarchs. But fear not, guys – I’m your ace in the hole. This year, yours truly is a judge, along with Ann Butler from the Durango Herald, and Sarie Seedorf, of Café Sarie fame. I must say I’m both honored and tremendously excited to be given such a prestigious seat, but at the risk of sounding smug, I really am quite adept at eating well-prepared meats. So there really wasn’t any other choice. I’m told that Sarie has an empty leg when it comes to mutton as well, so maybe we judges will have our own little competition on the side. But the real excitement will take place over the coals, where teams representing the likes of Steamworks and Sunnyside Farms, as well as the Deep South Grill and last year’s winners, The Italians, will offer up steaks, beer-can chicken, ribs and a myriad of other improvements on the natural, hairier state of livestock. Rumor has it, however, that some entrants are planning to include vegetarian offerings in the competition. As one holding 33.3 percent of the deciding vote, I offer this

advice: Don’t do it. To steal a line from Adrian Balboa, “You can’t win!” (I promise I will never again quote “Rocky IV” unless I’m writing about steroid-infused Soviet Supermen, which could happen). But really, when one is gnawing on a bison leg, asparagus is more of a side dish than a healthy alternative. Keep it real, gentlemen. There are a limited amount of tickets, which can be purchased in advance at the WRC on East Second Avenue. And if for some unfathomable reason the allure of meat in the street isn’t enough to draw you out, this year’s Men Who Grill competition conveniently coincides with the 28th annual Fun in the Sun Arts & Crafts Fair, which will be held in Buckley Park across the street. By all accounts, there should be plenty of arts, crafts and fun. No guarantee on the sun, but I’ll see what I can do.

If you think that showing up at noon means you’re getting an early jump on your Saturday, you will be gravely mistaken. By that time you’ll have missed the best bargains available at The All-Star Yard Sale at the Ska Brewery. I’ll try to explain this with minimal confusion. The idiots who host The Trading Post on KDUR held a contest wherein some lucky winner would get to have his or her garage/yard/rummage sale in the parking lot at Ska, replete with the P.R. that only a media conglomeration of KDUR and the Durango Telegraph can provide. The “winner” was one Alane Brown, an FLC professor who must’ve just attained tenure and is ready to upgrade her abode. Or maybe she’s facing 25 to life in Canon City. Whatever. Starting at 8:30 a.m., the public can pick through the scattered remains

If you think that showing up at noon means you’re getting an early jump on your Saturday, you will be gravely mistaken. By that time you’ll have missed the best bargains available at The All-Star Yard Sale at the Ska Brewery. I’ll try to explain this with minimal confusion. The idiots who host The Trading Post on KDUR held a contest wherein some lucky winner would get to have his or her garage/yard/rummage sale in the parking lot at Ska, replete with the P.R. that only a media conglomeration of KDUR and the Durango Telegraph can provide. The “winner” was one Alane Brown, an FLC professor who must’ve just attained tenure and is ready to upgrade her abode. Or maybe she’s facing 25 to life in Canon City. Whatever. Starting at 8:30 a.m., the public can pick through the scattered remains

of Alane’s life and do so at just cents on the dollar. Dave and Stu will do a “special” (see also, “horrifying”) one-hour broadcast of the Trading Post live from the brewery beginning at 11:30 a.m., which alone should be enough to make you shut off your radio and go see the merchandise in person. Said merchandise is slated to include CDs, lawnmowers, vacuum cleaners, furniture … Jesus, it’s a yard sale – figure it out. And not to beat a dead horse, but Ska is a brewery. You try to sell beer at your next yard sale and see what happens. I’d be happy to print the results in a future issue.

Oh, yes, “Penumbra.” I almost forgot, but how does one forget what one never knew? The question that appears in this week’s title may only be answered by those who attend the unique show happening at The Abbey Theatre this weekend. I don’t know how to approach this one, so I’ll use the words provided by Stacy Sotosky, Penumbra’s producer and a very creative gal: It’s a theater performance utilizing video projectors, intelligent lighting, shadow, puppets, masks and audio intended to take the audience on a journey through the land of color and explain how shadows originated. See? You try to explain that without seeing it first. I’ve known the show’s writer and director, Alex Oliszewski, for years, and I’ve seen what happens when he lets an idea or two fester in his head for a while. Alex is much more talented than you or I, so go check out the show and expect the unexpected. Show times are 9 p.m. Friday and Saturday nights, and you can get tickets at the Abbey, Magpie’s or Southwest Sound.

Kudos to Lindsey Nelson last week for a great stand-in while I was playing tennis and splashing in the river. And bonus points for getting hate mail with her very first effort. As a newly initiated bon vivant and international man of leisure, it’s good to know that readers of these pages won’t go hungry should I wander off in the wilderness and get neutered by a cougar. One never knows – this week should mark my one-year anniversary wasting your time and mine once a week, but it is a darker anniversary that I commemorate. One year ago, I missed my very first deadline while being put back together by the fine people at Mercy Medical Center. My thanks to everyone (you know who you are) that made this past year an unforgettable one for more reasons than I can count. And my version of thoughts and prayers go out to the family of Tim Wales, who had a year that no one should ever have to live through. Count your blessings and buckle up.

Still wonderfully unburdened by e-mail – write a letter. Doesn’t anyone try to bribe judges anymore? •