Diver:The boys from Nini’s

Facts:Saving the world from weird aunts and softball Nazis

 

Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Diver,

I just had my in-laws in town, as well as my husband’s aunt. Well, I caught my husband’s aunt using my deodorant! Come on, the family makes 20 trips to Wal-Mart and this woman can’t buy deodorant? I’m disgusted. Should I tell my in-laws?

– Ali, via e-mail

Dear Ali,

It is a common fact that in the Kanga Kanga region of southern Sri Lanka, the Umber wolves roll in each others’ feces in order to assimilate themselves into the pack. Similar to the way professional sports teams wear matching uniforms to register friend from foe, only grosser. Except for the Cleveland Browns, but that’s an issue for another day. Your husband’s aunt is simply attempting to become one of pyour family, and we feel she’s picked the less disgusting way to accomplish this.

– Divers

Diver,

It’s softball season again, and the jerks are out! Last night, one of the guys on the other team hit the weakest grounder back to our pitcher. As he was running to first base, he was yelling “throw me out *&^%$#, throw me out *&^%$#” and the pitcher

did. He was out. They then blew their lead, and we won. That’s karma for you, right. A bunch of trash-talking punk-asses blow the game. Why do some people take a silly softball game so seriously, to the point that their actions make them look like complete idiots? Is it because they were poor athletes as kids and most likely have small penises? I think that’s the case with this guy.

– Mac, via e-mail

Dear Mac;

It’s not just softball that brings out the bratty juvenile in us. It’s all recreational sports. It doesn’t matter if it’s hockey, softball, basketball or bad mitten. Let’s understand that 99 percent of us who played organized sports in high school/college lost the very last game we ever competed in. Very few of us went on to win the state championship and end it all on that highest of high notes. And we’ve been carrying that around for years, looking for our opportunity to redeem ourselves for whiffing, fumbling, bobbling, blowing and losing that big game. On another note: the medical and athletic communities have proven that a small penis actually helps make you a much better softball player.

– Divers

Hey Diver,

My husband is becoming a real pretentious jerk when it comes to music and pop culture.

He is constantly talking about how “cool” he is because he likes all this hip, obscure music, and he blasts me for liking Pearl Jam and the Wallflowers. What’s wrong with me liking what I like? I can’t have my own taste? He then has this “theory” that he is cooler than everyone else because he doesn’t act “cool” or try to be in some form of “scene,” and I just want to put him in his place and tell him that the music he likes isn’t all that great, and he isn’t all that cool, or at least, his theory isn’t. Any suggestions?

– Dawn

Dear Dawn,

Please tell your husband to quit picking on you just because he’s mad at himself for grounding out to the pitcher during his last softball game.

– Divers

In this week's issue...

June 13, 2019
Haven't got time for the pain

In the words of the great Salt-N-Pepa, let’s talk about sex (baby.) There, we said it.

June 13, 2019
Scoping begins on Silverton travel plan

The plan to bring more singletrack to Silverton is rolling forward. Last week, the Bureau of Land Management announced the beginning of a 30-day public scoping period on its proposed Silverton Area Travel Management Plan.

June 10, 2019
2019 Hardrock taps out

Snow, avi debris, high flows force cancellation