Dear Diver,

What’s with people that leave bumper stickers on their cars such as “Kerry in 04” or even better, “Simpsons/Flanders 04?” Doesn’t this person realize Ned Flanders would never run with Homer Simpson, Flanders being a peaceful, god-fearing do-gooder who would probably oppose war, and Homer Simpson being a gun-toting, ignorant atheist who wants oil? Why don’t they take these old stickers off their cars?

- Thanks, Kevin

Kevin,

I’m not sure I understand your problem, or even if you actually have one. Remember the time Homer threw a bottle at Flanders when he was coaching the football team? Wouldn’t you like to see Cheney throw a bottle at George Bush’s head? That would rule. The Simpsons, George Bush, television, although they are all very funny and entertaining, aren’t really all that important. What is important is radio. Let’s not forget putting yourself on a pedestal around people who know nothing about good music. Make those people feel stupid, it’s fun.

- Diver

Dear Diver,

Why do fans of sports teams consider themselves part of the team? Example: recently I’m watching a football game with a friend. When his team scored, he yelled “We scored!” When his team got a penalty, he said “We were penalized!” When the coach made a bad play decision, he said “Why did we run that play?” I’m sorry, but while the team was doing these things, all my friend was doing was drinking beer and putting chicken wings into his fat ass. There was no “we” about it. I’m all for the 12th man and all that (or sixth man if you are a hoops fan) but this claiming responsibility stuff is just silly. Right?

- Jimmy 

Jimmy,

You are so right. I agree that is just plain silly. I think you are right. Boy, you hit the nail right on the head. Why don’t you be the Diver? You’re a god-damned genius. I don’t think I’ve ever read anything more brilliant. Yup, armchair sports fans are complete morons. I remember my friend claiming he taught Icky Woods the Icky Shuffle. From that point on he was my friend no more. What a dumbass.

- Diver

Diver,

My husband never wears his new clothes. Basically, if he has a shirt, or pants, he’ll wear them until they pretty much fall off of his body. Holes, rips, it doesn’t matter, they get worn for the maximum amount of time. He washes his clothes and is fit hygienically, but it’s just that he bought most of his clothes about five years ago. He even has some t-shirts that are about 20 years old. How can I get him to “dress” up a bit more for me?

- Jeanine

Jeanine,

What is this guy, your dress up doll? Better yet, why in the hell are you bothering me with this trivial problem? This is an advice column that tackles issues like sports and politics. As a matter of fact, as a regular spewer of advice in this column and a more regular reader of the Diver, and I think this is the most selfish, trivial problem ever posed between these pages. You want to dress something up? Find a husband that is like a Ken Doll. Oh wait, Ken, even though he hangs out with the oh-so-attractive Barbie, wears pink Izods with the collar up. I doubt he’s into women, but he’ll make a great friend.

 - Diver