Dear Diver,

About two years ago I got a DUI. My sentence was to complete 24 hours of substance-abuse classes. Well, I didn’t, and the other night I was walking home from the bar and the police stopped me. They ran my name, saw that I didn’t complete my hours, and now I’m in La Plata County Jail. So, I’ve had to drop out of school. How can I at least keep my job? I’ve got 10 more days.

– Colin from Bodo Park

Colin,

I hate to break it to you, but I don’t drive and I don’t drink, and I definitely wouldn’t drive if I were ever to drink. So I am sorry to inform you that I am the wrong diver to answer your question. However, I can tell that you are in dire need for some sympathy and a sensual touch. Luckily, I am sure there are some very loving men down there at the La Plata County Jail that would be more than willing to help you in your time of despair. Oh yeah, please give Big Ol’ Papa a loving, juicy kiss for me, I am sure he will appreciate it greatly.

–Always willing to help, Tommy

Diver,

Why is it that when I say “y’all” and “fixin’ ta’” people assume I’m a loud-mouth, big-haired, Bush Lovin’ Texan? Don’t they know there are 10 states in the South that I could possibly be from? I’m not from Texas but am from the South, and it’s the biggest insult ever. Is Texas even the South? I’m the one rising again, take your Lone Star and shove it up your … !

– Georgia Peach via e-mail

Dear Georgia,

Oh yes, the ever-popular Texas stereotype! I am so very happy that I get to ease your precious little mind with my most knowledgeable of thoughts in regards to this issue. The thing is Colorado is “God’s Country,” and every prophet born unto this holy land is all knowing and all seeing. What they say is true. Everyone in the giant state of Texas is exactly the same. All Texans have big, blow-dried hair and absolutely love Mr. George W. Bush. They all hate the environment and love meat and cheap beer (Lone Star). They are all loud mouths, and now that I think of it, only use about half the letters from the alphabet when they talk. And the worst part about Texas and the people from there is they are all coming to take over the Rocky Mountains. In fact, Colorado people are so naturally ingenius that they hit the stereotype right on the mark with New Mexico people as well. Those trailer-park-living, Metallica-listening, bad drivers. I just what to say thank the Lord for Colorado people who spread the ultimate truth to all us plebeians born to other states. And Georgia Peach, I am ashamed of you for not taking more pride in your Southern heritage. I mean come on now, Texas is bigger than France … Hell, yeah!!!

-Southern Diver

Dear Diver,

What is up with excessive cell phone use? Can these people not wait to talk until they get home? What is so important that you have to call someone as soon as you get out of class or work, or to say that you are “on the way?” Christ, we got along without cell phones for eons. Is this ruining manners?

– Jimmy

Jimmy,

Tell me about it, crazy people with their cell phones. In fact just the other day this same issue rang true in my head. I was just chillin’ in front of my plasma, flat screen TV, soaking up the fresh air produced by my “air buddy” necklace (air purifying machine), and taking in the hot, new Lil’ Bow-Wow song on my I-pod, when all of a sudden I came to understand the same realization that you stressed so elegantly in your question. This being that cell phones are a direct correlation to bad manners in today’s society. I mean can’t we see what technology is doing to us …Gosh?

– Always a gentleman