Diver:Mike Sheahan, formerly of the Telegraph and Cuckoos, now slinging hash in Eugene, Ore.

Facts:Recently downsized by TGIFs,  now has his sights set on Red Lobster.

 

Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Diver,

My father-in-law has taken it upon himself to tell my 15-year-old “off color” jokes. My husband thinks it’s funny, I however, don’t. I want him to stop, how can I do this delicately?

– Concerned Mom

Dear CM,

Back in the days of Lenny Bruce, George Carlin and Richard Pryor, when playing blue was fresh and actually creative, an off-color joke was funny as all get out. But nowadays, the art form lives in an ugly place. Have you heard of this so-called comic Carlos Mencia? He plays himself to be on-edge and controversial, but really he’s just a self-loathing racist who forgot to write any jokes. Next time your father-in-law and 15-year-old get to yukking it up, set them in front of Mencia’s TV show. That oughta scare them so straight they’ll be telling knock knock jokes in no time. Every time Carlos opens his unfunny mouth Bruce, Carlin and Pryor roll over in their graves. Oh wait only one of those guys is dead. That reminds me of a joke.

– Diver

Diver,

Why does my wife insist on having political arguments with a bunch of ignorant, right-

winged morons who have never left their hometown? She thinks she is going to be able to change their minds about the president, Iraq and the world. Recently I had to tear her away from a bar at 2 a.m. and it nearly got ugly. Do you think tyring to change “right” minds is a waste of time?

– Jimmy

Dear Jimmy.

Ever heard of a politician named George Wallace? He governed Alabama for almost 25 years and nearly became president based on an archaic segregationist philosophy. Then one day someone shot and paralyzed him and, after a few years, confined to a wheelchair, Gov. Wallace came to his senses and essentially renounced his earlier political views. Now, I’m not suggesting your wife should aim to paralyze her gap-toothed adversaries (yet). Instead, I mean to point out that thick minds are slow to change, so I say, “charge on, Jimmy’s wife, charge on.” If nothing else, she gets to stay in the bar all night. Speaking of slow to change, Wallace ruled Alabama until 1986. Way to go, Crimson Tide! Alabama, you are truly a jewel in our national crown.

– Diver

Diver,

I’m a 65-year-old man who is “computer challenged.” I’m attempting to have my 13-year-old grandson explain all this to me, and it isn’t working! I survived the Cold War and was sta

tioned in Florida during the Cuban Missile Crisis, but I can’t figure out my e-mail! Why don’t computer companies make this easier?

– Ret. Lieutenant Colonel Barker, via e-mail

Dear “Lt. Col. Barker,”

First of all, nice try on the fake name. Everyone knows Colonel Barker is a fictional character from the short-lived (1962-1963) TV sitcom, “Don’t Call Me Charlie.” Who could forget the hapless Col. Barker who butted heads with the irascible Judson McKay and said wacky things like, “I’ve been in the Army 25 years and the closest I’ve been to combat is my marriage?” You’re not fooling anyone.

As far as your computer illiteracy goes, don’t worry too much. After all, you once stood on the swampy Florida shores nobly poised to beat back the communist tide. The best thing I ever did with my computer was Photoshop my own body into the Paris Hilton sex tape.

– Diver

In this week's issue...

July 18, 2024
Rebuilding Craig

Agreement helps carve a path forward for town long dependent on coal

July 11, 2024
Reining it in

Amid rise in complaints, City embarks on renewed campaign to educate dog owners
 

July 11, 2024
Rolling retro

Vintage bikes get their day to shine with upcoming swap and sale