Voorhees, parrot head and Klackin’ for a Kause
By Ted Holteen

Be on notice: Until people start to fill our social calendar with worthwhile pursuits, I will have no choice but to use this forum to educate, pontificate and emasculate as I see fit. There's really no one to blame for these lulls, as they're more predictable than the seasons around here. No skiers, no students, no summer tourists - that adds up to a dull month, as anyone who's been here for more than a few years comes to expect every November and May.

But is there more to it than that this week? We've got a Friday the 13th this month, and in an anomaly of the calendar, it's the only one this year. It's a lamentable intersection of unlucky number and dire day, but it is amusing to see every time how many idiots buy into it. Seems we have none other than Jesus himself to blame for the above named phobia which merges number and day. Thirteen at dinner, tacked up on Good (?) Friday, and 1,947 years later there's Jason Voorhees' mom in a hockey mask and a new generation of superstitious paranoids who won't eat butter churned on that fateful day. I told you they were idiots.

During the multi-tiered process of constructing this week's essay, one of my research assistants happened upon an advertisement from 1913 in which a local pastor in Middletown, N.Y., was offering free weddings to anyone willing to get hitched on Friday, June 13, of that year. A great idea, and it's refreshing to see that some of the reverend's modern-day counterparts are willing to take the same risk. Not counterparts in the theological sense, but more secular types who aren't afraid to try to make a buck on what's really nothing more than another stage in the lunar cycle.

Unbeknownst to me, the Durango Arts Center and the Durango Choral Society are staging the 12th annual Animas Music Festival during May and June in and around Durango. I say unbeknownst not because I didn't know it was happening this weekend, but rather that I must have missed the first 11. My fault, I'm sure, but either way it begins this Friday, yes the 13th, at the Concert Hall. It's "Viva el Ritmo!" which with my 10 weeks of intensive Spanglish translates to something like "long live rhythm!" It sounds like a boss show, with a combination of Andean instruments, the Durango Women's Choir, an orchestra and lots of rhythm. Starts at 7 p.m. - I'd go, but I have to work. The Animas Music Festival itself will continue over the next few weeks, so stay tuned.

Also thumbing their collective noses at the gods are The Abbey Theatre and the good people at Durango Nature Studies. Friday kicks off a two-week run of "The Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill," which has nothing whatsoever to do with this publication but is rather the story of an old hippie who makes friends with parrots in San Francisco. The producers must've saved a ton on casting. The first night's showings are a benefit for DNS, and while I can't imagine why they wouldn't have shown at least the 3-D "Friday the 13th" movie (I think it was the third one), the parrot thing is critically acclaimed and probably a better draw for a fund-raiser-type audience.

There is one spotlight event taking place this weekend, but you've got to pace yourself to enjoy it to its fullest. On Sunday afternoon, the Carvers patio hosts the Mug Club Klackers Tournament beginning at 2:30 p.m. I hope I don't have to explain Klackers to any of you, because I won't. For the rest of you, it's what it sounds like. Competitive Klacking with prizes, T-shirts, other stuff, beer and Klackers games to win or buy cheap. If it sounds like I'm a shill for Klackers, all I can say is you try being Mike Lynagh's best friend and not write about his shindig in your column. There is an entry fee, but take heart - Mikey won't make a dime off of this event, as all proceeds will go to the groovy chicks at the Women's Resource Center. What's more, Buckhorn Limo will be carting off those in need of such handling after a Sabbath afternoon spent boozing and rolling dice. They've got the cool old Wagoneer limo you've seen around town. You should use it.

One last thing, and thanks to Liggett for pointing it out to me. For those of you still stinging from the Willie Nelson lockout of '05, take heart - he'll be on big screens this summer as none other than Uncle Jessie in what promises to be a hideous film adaptation of The Dukes of Hazzard. It also stars Burt Reynolds and Jessica Simpson. Now do you believe me when I say God has abandoned us?

Give me something to believe in ted@ksut.org. And you thought Coy and Vance were bad.