Sexual secrets to survival as a nonskier

Attention Fellow Single Nonskiers and Durango "Newbies:" If you are as unfortunate as me, you won't be able to find another "nonskier" anywhere near Durango, so listen up. Survival as a single nonskier requires the following useful information, considerable negotiations and possibly even withholding sex.

Understanding the nature of the beast

First, we must keep in mind that these people have been skiing these very same slopes since they arrived here, five, 10 or 25 years ago. And believe me, they are very attached to each and every mogul. To these many freaks, uhh, I mean folks, Durango Mountain Resort is not DMR or even Purgatory, but simply the "Area." This is where all the snow bunnies get together, blow their noses, rub their feet and bond. They form very meaningful relationships, where there is commitment and often competition between them. For example, if you're a non-skiing gal dating a skier and successfully keep your guy home on a Saturday or Sunday, take my advice and turn your ringer off. Because all the boys are going to be calling your guy with questions like "Dude, what, are ya getting laid?" Luckily for you, you can probably keep him home two weekends of the season without going against the "Code."

Whereas the Ski Code is unwritten, I know from personal experience that getting laid is a perfectly acceptable excuse for not making it to the Area. But we must not overuse this, as the code limit is two weekends and no more. After that, your guy's pals will appropriately start calling him whipped, and you won't see your man again until spring. The competition is not only in who can ski over 50 days a year, but who can go without sex for 50 days a year. Take it from a three-season local - they can do both.

What can you do?

As stated above, local skiers are nearly celibate during the winter, but still, withholding sex can be a useful tool, though I do not guarantee it as a way to

keep your lover in bed on the weekends. If you are going to punish yourself and try it, take the following advice. To be most effective, withhold sex during the week so that you can use it maximally on Saturday morning. For the skier, Saturday begins way too early for us, with Chai tea and the beginning of their "bundling" process. So, by withholding sex during the week, you can wake up at your leisure on Saturday, just in time to see your skier attaching those long sticklike contraptions to their Saab, Subaru or SUV. That is when you make your move. Call out to them that their ski buddy is on the phone and when they come back inside to take the call, as they certainly will, you will be armed and ready. There are many types of armaments, for us girls, the best is lingerie or no clothes at all and a come hither look. For you guys - put on your best puppy face, then matter-of-factly state "it's all about you, honey," and it's pretty much a done deal. I must caution the future withholders, Walmart runs out of batteries and cheap lotion about noon every Saturday - so be prepared. It is also possible that your skier will leave right after sex for the Area anyway, but at that point who cares?

Or you can try having so much sex with your skier they are just too damned tired and happy to get up out of bed. Make sure you keep them up at least past midnight so that they are very tired in the morning. Sex muscles are different than ski muscles so they may be too worn out to ski as well. Caution is called for with this method, it could be your skier starts leaving your house in the wee hours of the morning to ensure they get the proper amount of sleep. (As I understand it, sleep plays a major role in a skier's life.) It can also get to be quite a bit of work. Considering how long they can go without, a marathon of sex can be just that: a marathon, for you, too. The final and most drastic option is to actually go with them to the Area.

Gasp! You can try to avoid it, but winter dating in town inevitability leads to the "ski date." I know, I know and I agree, there is nothing sexy about a runny nose, sunburned cheeks or having your latest face plant videotaped by your skier and his cronies. I recommend this option only for those of us truly in love with our skier. By the way, if you are questioning whether or not you're in love, ask yourself this question: "Am I willing to become so freezing cold my fingers and toes turn blue, while uncontrollably flying down a snow-covered hill on toothpicks?" If the answer is yes, you are definitely in love. If the answer is no, there is still an option available to you - it's called the bar. I'll see you there, and you can buy me a drink.

- Signed, Anonymous (or I'll never date in Durango again)

You may call me "Ski Less from Seattle"