Diver,

I'm sick of my mother in law. She interferes just about everywhere she can. She is now making my son's soon-to-be wedding a nightmare! How can I tell her to BUTT OUT?

Jack

Careful there, Jack.

Telling a mother-in-law to "BUTT OUT" is akin to summoning plagues upon the earth from a vengeful deity, or invoking the wrath of a thousand-thousand demons from the bowels of hell upon your home and family. Have you ever taken a good look at the plant known as the mother-in-law's tongue? I suggest deception. Tell Godzilla that your son and his fiancée have split due to the stress of planning their nuptials, and if she doesn't buy that, add that sexual dysfunction had something to do with it. Then, in the spirit of Jimmy Buffet's 1977 self-help classic "Changes in Latitudes, Changes in Attitudes," send the devil-woman on a cruise to warm, tropical climes. While she's away, your son and lovely bride-to-be can have the wedding of their dreams. When Medusa returns and wonders what is going on with the happy couple, explain that they are living in sin, like so many of the kids do these days, trying to "work things out." If you don't have the cash for the cruise or if it all sounds "too complicated," do what Homer did when he wanted to be rid of Chief Wiggum - drive her out into the countryside and let her run free.

-Your ass is grass, Diver

Diver,

What the hell is up with men who wear patchouli? That stuff smells like ass. This moron comes into my office daily and his odor smells up the whole place for days! Give me a break! Like people with BO, their odor is an invasion of my personal space.

Thanks, Mac in Durango

Mac,

What the hell is up with anyone who wears patchouli? I spent my lengthy college career, from the early 80s through the early 90s, hangin' with Jerry and the boys at Dead shows throughout the Northeast. Sure, at first the flowery scent of the "essential oil" wafting from nubile, twirly-dancing hippie-chicks was alluring, but the aroma soon became entwined in my olfactory associations with rank BO. I had a friend in those days who wore the foul brew. Each day his nose became increasingly desensitized and he slopped on more and more. Toward the end I could smell him when he pulled into my driveway, even before he got out of his car. To all aspiring neo-hippies and trustafarians out there: PATCHOULI OIL DOES NOT COVER UP BODY ODOR. It actually has a synergistic effect which causes the resulting smell to be worse than either on its own. Kinda like ranch flavoring on corn nuts, or even worse, like when you spray the "Floral Escape air freshener" into the john after dropping the big one. Youch. Sorry, Mac. You seem to have touched a nerve. I don't even see the hint of an answer in my reply.

Smell ya' later,
Diver