Dear Diver,

I recently moved out of the house after years of marriage. The divorce isn't final, yet women are coming on like nobody's business! Just before the Games started, I was riding the Valley Loop when a pretty lady caught up to me. She said she was training for the Olympics and wanted me to help her with classic Greek technique. Another time, a girl asked me what wheel-sucking is and if I thought her saddle smelled alright. I've been out of the hunt a long time, but this stuff sounds kind of suggestive. Maybe even freaky. What's the best way to accept these twisted compliments without getting involved in something weird?

– Signed,

Off the Back

Off the Back,

When women are using such an aggressive approach, you should retaliate with an equally perverse statement. Ask them how your saddle smells after a spin around the Valley Loop 85 Pro quo Dr., how does my Spandex look? Too tight? Reverse psychology may be your only hope in the world of S and M athletes.

– Happy cycling,


Dear Diver,

How come I can't find a girl who can quote “Caddyshack” or “National Lampoon's Vacation” like I can? This would be my dream come true! If only I could find the perfect girl who knows what I mean when I say “Hey whitey, where's your hat?”

– Jim,

via e-mail


We knew a girl who could quote “Caddyshack” and “Vacation,” but it's a shame because, due to her stint in the mines, she was lost to the black lung85cough, cough85and just because some girls with their chiseled abs and stunning features can quote those movies doesn't mean they, too, can't die in a freak gasoline fight accident.

– Good luck with the search,



I just moved into a 100-year-old house. I'm imagining this place has quite a history, including perhaps a ghost or two. Is there anyone in town that can spiritually “feel out” the house for me?

– Barrett in Hermosa


Last week while partaking in harmless fun, I turned the basement lights off while Bree was changing out the carbonation for the soda machine. Apparently she had a spiritual encounter of her own, which led to a rather spiritless barrage of profanities. Hmmm, the only person that truly has the power to feel out your haunted house is the old lady from “Poltergeist.” If that doesn't work, hang lavender outside the windows.

– Sweet dreams, Diver


Diver: Bree and Shannon from Nini's

Facts: This diving duo just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.


Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at, or by fax at 259-0448.


I just dropped my daughter off for her first year of college. I worry though. She is a prime candidate for the dreaded “freshman 15.” How can I encourage her to eat less and perhaps exercise?

– Petite Mom from Leadville

Mother Dearest,

Screw education, I'm in total agreeance. Instead of focusing on studies, encourage her to try the Durango liquid diet of light lagers, tonic water and a little vodka for good measure. She'll be too busy imbibing and too full to even consider solid foods. The perks abound, as in 10 years you'll realize this is a life plan when you see her, little and slender as ever, begging for spare change at McDonalds.

– Congrats,




News Index Second Index Opinion Index Classifieds Index Contact Index