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Dear Diver,
I recently moved out of the house after years of marriage. The divorce
isn't final, yet women are coming on like nobody's business! Just before
the Games started, I was riding the Valley Loop when a pretty lady caught
up to me. She said she was training for the Olympics and wanted me to
help her with classic Greek technique. Another time, a girl asked me
what wheel-sucking is and if I thought her saddle smelled alright. I've
been out of the hunt a long time, but this stuff sounds kind of suggestive.
Maybe even freaky. What's the best way to accept these twisted compliments
without getting involved in something weird?
– Signed,
Off the Back
Off the Back,
When women are using such an aggressive approach, you should retaliate
with an equally perverse statement. Ask them how your saddle smells
after a spin around the Valley Loop 85 Pro quo Dr., how does my Spandex
look? Too tight? Reverse psychology may be your only hope in the world
of S and M athletes.
– Happy cycling,
Divers
Dear Diver,
How come I can't find a girl who can quote “Caddyshack” or “National
Lampoon's Vacation” like I can? This would be my dream come true! If
only I could find the perfect girl who knows what I mean when I say “Hey
whitey, where's your hat?”
– Jim,
via e-mail
Jim,
We knew a girl who could quote “Caddyshack” and “Vacation,” but it's
a shame because, due to her stint in the mines, she was lost to the
black lung85cough, cough85and just because some girls with their chiseled
abs and stunning features can quote those movies doesn't mean they,
too, can't die in a freak gasoline fight accident.
– Good luck with the search,
Divers
Diver,
I just moved into a 100-year-old house. I'm imagining this
place has quite a history, including perhaps a ghost or two. Is there
anyone in town that can spiritually “feel out” the house for me?
– Barrett in Hermosa
Barrett,
Last week while partaking in harmless fun, I turned the basement lights
off while Bree was changing out the carbonation for the soda machine.
Apparently she had a spiritual encounter of her own, which led to a
rather spiritless barrage of profanities. Hmmm, the only person that
truly has the power to feel out your haunted house is the old lady from “Poltergeist.” If
that doesn't work, hang lavender outside the windows.
– Sweet dreams, Diver |
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Diver: Bree and Shannon from Nini's
Facts: This diving duo just happened to be in the
wrong place at the wrong time.
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Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?
Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions
to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask
the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn
Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at
telegraph@durangotelegraph.com,
or by fax at 259-0448. |
Diver,
I just dropped my daughter off for her first year of college.
I worry though. She is a prime candidate for the dreaded “freshman
15.” How can I encourage her to eat less and perhaps exercise?
– Petite Mom from Leadville
Mother Dearest,
Screw education, I'm in total agreeance. Instead of focusing on
studies, encourage her to try the Durango liquid diet of light
lagers, tonic water and a little vodka for good measure. She'll
be too busy imbibing and too full to even consider solid foods.
The perks abound, as in 10 years you'll realize this is a life
plan when you see her, little and slender as ever, begging for
spare change at McDonalds.
– Congrats,
Divers |
