Dear Diver,

What’s the best method to keep my 8-year-old from cussing? His father (we’re divorced) lets him watch PG-13 and R movies, and he has picked up all sorts of words I’d rather him not say. This has gotten him in trouble at home, and worse yet, at school. What can I do?

– Concerned and angry Mom


Let’s dig through my past. When I was 8 years old, I watched “Friday the 13” Parts 1, 2, and 3 with my sisters. After that I wouldn’t go into a closet for months. That Jason, he scared the (expletive, expletive) right outta me. My advice is to make him say nothing but curse words for a week. By then he’ll be so sick of curse words he’ll stop. EABOS!

– Thanks,



At a party recently, some woman was insisting that you won’t get a hangover if you don’t mix Grape and Grain. In other words, don’t drink wine and hard stuff during the same, uh, session. (It was already too late for me to test her theory that night.) Have you heard that one before? What do you think? What’s your hangover avoidance technique?

– Chris


Let’s dig through my past. The one and only time I drank grain I ended up going to a concert and putting out lit matches on my tongue. As far as hangovers are concerned, you’ve got two choices: Rehab or never stop drinking.

–– Thanks,



Diver: Brian “Beezer” Lynagh, of Trimble Hot Springs

Facts: Brian spends mornings keeping the pools free of, well, everything, and the occasional evening dispensing spirits at the Abbey Theatre



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Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Diver,

Why does religion cause so much strife in areas like the Middle East? I know the United States causes strife in the Middle East, but those people, as far as I know, have been fighting over holy ground for centuries. Why?

– Matt,

via e-mail

Well Matt,

Let’s dig through my past. I’m from the Mid East so I know a little about it. When I lived back there I was always dealing with those religious nuts from Ocean City, Maryland, Virginia Beach and Wilkes Barre, Penn. Those people sure have their heads up their asses. My solution was to pack up and move to the wonderful freedoms of Colorado, where one can enjoy such religious freedoms as polygamy and animal sacrifice. What I would do is build a wall from D.C. to Philadelphia and roadmap those extremists back to their mosques and mausoleums outside of Wildwood, N.J.

– Diver






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