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Mrs. & Mr. Wildcat get horny. |
Diver: The Wildcat, with special guest
Interesting Facts: Abraham Lincoln once said, “The Wildcat is by far the best advice giver of divers. His beard good.”
Dear Diver,
Why is it that the most annoying people never seem to realize how annoying they really are? Or is that what makes them so truly annoying in the first place?
– Annoyed
Dear Donald,
You know the story about the wife who called her husband on his morning commute to warn him of a driver near his route who was going the wrong way down a one way street? He replied, “Well EVERY jackass in front of me is going the wrong way!”
Chances are it’s not them. It’s you. Bump that trump slump, chump, and untwist your knickers. It’s not all about you.
– Fondly, the Dive
Dear Diver,
Let me begin this rant by saying how much I love our sweet little mountain town and most of all the people in it. But why in the holy #&%* can NO ONE understand how to properly negotiate a friggin 4-way stop? Namely the one on 3rd and 8th – it is a total disaster! Folks treat that intersection like a free for all with absolute disregard for the laws that govern the streets. I am all for taking back our streets, but we must have some order here. Wait your turn! Perhaps an understanding of how it works needs to be printed and distributed (via the Telegraph?) or should we suggest a patrol car monitor?
– Fed Up at the 4 Way
Dear Old Person,
Remember when you point your finger, you’ve got three pointing back at you. We can have a paltry debate about nebulous things such as “laws” and the construct of “traffic systems,” but I’d rather point out what’s wrong with you. You obviously don’t have much going on in your life if you’ve got the time and patience to come to a complete stop. What’s that like? Witnessing eternity grind to a halt in the name of some man-made octagon of time-oppression. The key to your friggin 4-way kerfuffle is to simply be more important than everyone else. Four-way stops run best on a hierarchal system of jackassery, and the most important driver has the immediate right of way. It also helps to not realize how much this bothers all the chumps around you.
Remember, it’s all about you.
– The Diver
Dear Diver,
I just started working out again at the gym and find myself in a constant state of agony from sore muscles. Muscles I didn’t even know I had – which makes me wonder: if I didn’t know I had them in the first place, they must not be all the important in day-to-day living? So, what’s the point?
– Gluteus Minimus
Seeing as I’m shredded like cheddar cheese, I’d like to hand this one over to my permanent roommate, the Mrs. Wildcat:
“Dear Gymberly,
What IS the point? We’re all headed toward the same black, pastry-less abyss anyway. Why dwell on elusive muscle groups when your membership at the gym of life is rapidly expiring? Forget about the flat tummy – you need to focus more on the GLUTINOUS maximus. Yes, I mean donuts. Why not turn your kettle bells into kettle chips, trade your lunges for lunches and give up on whatever six-pack you were dreaming of because, my friend, the only six pack you need is one of Zuberfizz. When your body decomposes and you are left with nothing but a ghost, you won’t be reminiscing about how awesomely shredded you once were. Instead, you’ll smile wistfully and remember the taste of ramen and although you will never be able to eat again, you can take comfort in the fact that you spent your whole life doing nothing but.
– Ethereally, Mrs. Wildcat”
In a sticky situation?
Seek help from the master of the In-Sinkerator. The diver has the solutions to life’s little messes. Send your problems to, “Ask the Diver:"
telegraph@durangotelegraph.com