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Diver: Frank Lockwood, radio talk show host, non- denominational life guru, fair-minded wise ass and beer devotee
Interesting Facts: Frank is the founding member and creator of The Bitch Crew, a co-ed, off-season outrigger canoe paddling club.
Dear Diver,
With spring break in full swing up at the mountain, it is also the season of awkward chairlift rides for us locals. You know, explaining about the strange contraptions on our feet (tele bindings) or having to answer questions about where they put the moguls in the winter or if they paint the trees to make them “look that way.” Sometimes, I find it’s easier to just not engage at all, but then the awkward silence is even more uncomfortable. Please, diver, help me relate for the six minutes I must interact with these foreigners.
– Silent Bob
Dear Silent Bob,
I find it quite intriguing that you referred to tourists as foreigners. Would it be indelicate to guess that you pronounce that word “ferners?” Perhaps we should clear their passports as well as their ski passes before loading them onto the chairlift? I understand sometimes six minutes feels like a lifetime, especially if you were underwater without air. But riding a chairlift? Your simplest solution is ear buds with the volume turned up high on your iPod or smartphone. If that doesn’t work, try asking them questions and actually listening to their answers. You might learn something.
– Diver
Dear Diver,
March Madness is upon us and I must admit I am completely stymied by most of the teams this year. Each year, I end up throwing my money away on my brackets, despite hours of research. This year, I’ve decided to throw caution to the wind and let luck decide my fate. What ideas does the diver have for picking my brackets? Voodoo? Dart board? Ouija board? Or should I just take my money and burn it?
– Feeling Brackish
Dear FB,
I suppose burning your money is one option. It would not be my first choice. You are obviously falling prey to mixing your love of the game with the almighty dollar. I believe Pete Rose had the same problem, and look what happened to Charlie Hustle? Even the Leader of the Free World has yet to crack the code on who survives the final 16. So here’s what you do: If betting money increases your competitive juices and enjoyment of the game (which I suspect is the case), then go for it and be a big boy and accept the likely consequences as the cost of doing business. Otherwise, I recommend you take up another, equally frustrating but productive activity during this time of year like knitting or riding the chairlift and talking to ferners.
– Diver
Dear Diver,
If one more person comes up and asks me where I’m going for spring break or – completely unsolicited, I might add – tell me about their diving trip to Aruba or how they’re going to Costa Rica, yet again, I’m going to punch them in their soon-to-be sunburned kisser. Doesn’t anyone in this town work? Or am I the only poor working stiff left who has to stay back and pay the bills and keep the lights on? Well, it sucks. Plus, do we really need a “spring break” when it’s been spring here for, like, three months already?
– Spring Broke
Dear Spring Broke,
Eros, the Greek god of love, also made the mistake of basing his happiness on external factors over which he had little or no control. Sound familiar? Perhaps a simple shift in perspective is called for. You have a job. Is that so tough to bear? Those silver-spooned friends of yours will be way more bored watching those turquoise waves lap against the shore than you will be busing tables. Your station in life is exactly where it should be. Any alteration of it at this point could have far-reaching, cataclysmic effects on the balance of the universe. Don’t worry, be happy, grasshopper.
– Diver
In a sticky situation?
Seek help from the master of the In-Sinkerator. The diver has the solutions to life’s little messes. Send your problems to, “Ask the Diver:"
telegraph@durangotelegraph.com