Diver:  Jessi Kay, on-air talent at 92.9 The Point
Interesting Facts: Whoever said “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” has clearly never had a Moscow Mule from Durango Craft Spirits. Because it tastes like I am a Victoria Secret Model.
 

Dear Diver,
First I couldn’t sleep, so I got high. Now I’m wide awake and really stoned and it’s the middle of the night. What should I do?
– Sleepless on Seventh

Dear Can’t Handle Your High,
First and foremost I need more specifics on how exactly you got “high” and what kind of “stoned” you are. If you decided to go hard, and ingest a little crank, glass, speed or, as Jesse Pinkman calls, it “Okie Coke,” then I would advise you to immediately start researching drug rehab centers in the area. And while you’re waiting for your dial-up internet to load, start cleaning your bathroom, it’s disgusting.  If you smoked a little grass and now you can’t fall asleep, PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER (yes I am yelling at you), you live in Colorado, there is absolutely no excuse for this. And if all else fails, put on some Netflix, take a couple shots of Moonshine, get some of those donuts with the white powder on them and make a night of it.
– Diver 

Dear Diver,
I just got a new job that requires me to get up and speak in front of people. Naturally, I am deathly afraid of public speaking and dread every time I have to do it. Other than that, I like the job and would like to keep it. How can I face my fears and get over it? And don’t tell me to try to everyone-in-their-underwear trick. It only makes things worse.
– Shy Guy

Dear Grow Some Balls,
I don’t know who came up with the whole in-their-underwear trick, because it is absolutely ridiculous. Best-case scenario, you can’t stop laughing because the guy in the front row has a micro penis similar to Donald Trump’s. Worst case, the girl in the front row is a major 10 and you are more embarrassed then when you started. We know that is not a banana in your pocket, sir! My best advice is to actually wear only your underwear or nothing at all. There is something oddly empowering about being naked in front of strangers. It makes you feel alive and free. Rock out with your jock out.
– Diver

Dear Diver,
Spring break is only a few weeks away and the wife and I want to take the kids somewhere for a few days of R&R. Unfortunately, the family finances are tight. What are some spring break ideas that are fun for the whole family that we can do on the cheap?
– Poor House

Dear, One of you Needs another Job,
If you try to travel on the cheap with your children, you will end up in a dirty hostel in Chihuahua, Mexico, and the whole family will catch whooping cough (I know because it happened to me). Then in a desperate attempt to have fun or just get home, it will seem like a good idea to sell your oldest into child slavery, which I strongly believe you will regret. So instead of trying to figure out how to vacation on a couple bucks, let’s instead try to figure out how you can stack cash fast. Have you considered approaching a rich man and reverse indecent proposaling him? Another idea, Durango is in desperate need of male escorts, have you considered this as career choice? Something you could do on the side perhaps? If both you and the missus are not exactly lookers or have moral reservations, put on “Damn It Feels Good to be a Gangsta” and start selling your prescription meds.
– Diver

Seek help from the master of the In-Sinkerator. The diver has the solutions to life’s little messes. Send your problems to, “Ask the Diver:"
 telegraph@durangotelegraph.com