Dear Diver,
Since most of your advice is sarcastic, answer this question. I’m sick of zombie tv shows and movies. Tell me, what is the average life expectancy of a dead person, huh?
– Too Much Time on My Hands

Dear Netflix Guru,
Newsflash baby, zombies are in and vampires are out. It’s time to donate your collection of seasons 1 - 7 of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” and take down the pinned up images of Edward Cullen and Bella Swan from above your toilet. Zombiepedia states that their average lifespan is about three to five years, give or take. Lucky for you, you have plenty of time before the paranoia sinks in and you start building your bombshell in the basement.
– Ain’t Nobody Got Time for That

Dear Diver,
Now that Prince is dead, does that mean we will never learn what the gobbledygook at the end of “Darling Nicky” means? Please tell me the answer is in his vault so I don’t need to lay awake wondering whether it’s a Satanic verse or Wendy and Lisa just playing a joke.
–  Purplexed

Dear Princesa,
To be honest with you, I am baffled that you spelt “Darling Nikki” how you did as a seemingly competent Prince fanatic! I’ll let it slide this time, because quite literally I have noo idea either!! You and I both can only hope that one-day the meaning behind these mysterious sexually charged “chants” if you will, will be revealed. Until then, keep calm and just tell yourself the girls were playing a joke.
– I’m Not Really a Prince Fan, Whoops

Dear Diver,
Our youngest son graduated high school and announced he wants to have a “gap year” before he goes to college. He says he wants to stay at home and ski, kayak and “hang out” while he figures out what to do with his life. I say while he’s “figuring it out” he has to get a job and pay some rent. My wife, however, disagrees and thinks we should let him “save up” for his future and that “this is how kids do it these days.” How to convince her he needs to get off his ass and have a taste of the real world where everyone does NOT get a trophy just for showing up.
– Failure to Launch   

Dear Daddy-o with a Problemo,
YAS. I’m with you, 100 percent. As a recent graduate of Fort Lewis College, I have come across many (self-titled) “dirt bags,” “ski bums,” or what I like to call your average “bro.” By this I mean entitled sportsters who breeze through college without working a single day, spending all their free time “shredding the gnar.” Living off of daddy-o’s money, buying all the latest gear without understanding what it takes to work toward obtaining all of these new shiny toys. Your son does not have to end up like this, THANK GOD. I think it’s a great idea that he takes a gap year in order to do what he loves and think things through. BUT I also think that he should get a job and see what it’s like to be somewhat self-sustained. Let him pay a little bit of rent, have him pay for his new gear or his season pass to Purgatory this year, and let him get a taste of the real world. Cheers to you daddy-o, don’t let your boy turn into a “bro.”
– Nobody Likes a “Dirt Bag”

– Caught in a sticky situation?