Diver: This week, we continue our summer of Diver Flashbacks, this time with Denny, who we’re absolutely sure no longer lives here and will in no way be haunted by this blast from his past. Or any other blasts, for that matter.

Diver,
I’ve been dating this very attractive girl who is very liberal in her beliefs and lifestyle. She’s a vegetarian, hates George Bush and is open to many new things. I am open to new things as well, but I am not a vegetarian and am a Republican. However, I told her I’m a vegetarian months ago, and it’s becoming too hard to fake it when we go out to dinner. Basically I’m sick of eating salad. If I tell her I’m not a vegetarian though, I think she’ll be really pissed. Should I just come clean or perhaps take her out to a restaurant that doesn’t serve tofu and surprise her?
– Jim, via e-mail

Dear Jim,
Has it occurred to you that she’s attractive BECAUSE she’s progressive, healthy and aware? Seems to me you’re way out of your league on this one, my friend. I’m just surprised that someone of her caliber allowed herself to be duped by a lying liar like yourself. On the bright side, however, when I hear a Republican say “it’s getting hard to fake it,” I sense hope. Consider the immortal words of  Twain, “I tell the truth because there’s less to remember.”
– Thanks, Diver

Dearest Diver,
Is there a secret to obtaining eternal happiness?
– Your friend, Beth

Dear Beth,
There is no secret to attaining enlightenment or “eternal happiness” as you like to say.  All suffering is self induced. Get over yourself.
– Yours in equanimity, The Diver

Dear Diver,
It seems to me that many people have no common sense. In other words, so called common sense is not very common at all. Or should we understand common as meaning crude, low brow and vulgar? There seems to be a lot of that “common” sense, would you agree? Pull no punches.
– Sincerely, VT Olson Jr., via e-mail

VT,
There is nothing common about wanting to understand the nature of common sense. “Common folk,” if you will, rarely find time to ponder such questions. Instead, they busy themselves with such dilemmas as eating “ethically” or whether or not so-and-so really did have his way with what’s her name at some fancy resort upstate. While it’s common to seek answers to questions, sometimes people with elitist inclinations attempt to validate themselves through advice columns in local, independent newspapers.
– The Diver

Diver,
When The Beatles were popular, did more “sophisticated” music fans ridicule them, much like “sophisticated” music fans ridicule N-Sync?  It’s all “pop” isn’t it?
– BL, Hermosa.

No, BL, which I assume stands for Brain Less, it’s not all just pop. We rail Kenny G today, but does that make John Coltrane contemptible? I think not. You see, like any thing in life (jazz music, Thai food, internet porn), the world of pop music offers both the good and the bad. Pop does not have to be a negative concept, Big Loser. Pop can be an experience as joyous and fulfilling as not getting caught looking at internet porn. Lastly, it doesn’t take much sophistication to ridicule *NSYNC, usually a 16th birthday is all one needs to realize the sheer lameness of such a group.
– Truly, Diver

Seek help from the master of the In-Sinkerator. The diver has the solutions to life’s little messes. Send your problems to, “Ask the Diver:"
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