 The diver weighs the pros and cons of solo intergalactic missions as well as powder days. |
Diver: The Pragmatic Minimalist
Interesting fact: Psyched about catching first chair? Good for you, but patrol laid first tracks hours ago.
Dear Diver,
So, for the umpteenth time, I have helped a driver from New Mexico in a Dodge Charger (or similar model) and wearing tennis shoes and no coat out of a snowbank that he/she has driven into. I know not everyone can afford four-wheel drive or the latest pair of Bogs, but this is beginning to verge on stupidity. Do they not have snow, tire chains, waterproof footwear or common sense down there? Or do we need to start posting signs at the border warning them that the white stuff is cold, slippery and wet?
– Mad Max
Out of the Ditch, Bitch:
Although your observations are correct, recognize the larger scheme at play. It’s not only the inclement weather, lack of metrosexual galoshes or no all-wheel that’s the issue. You see, New Mexican drivers are universally bad; at all hours, in all species of transport and in all conditions. The N.M. Dept. of Transportation issues colored license plates based on the severity of operaters’ deficiencies. The teal plates denote a driver who is barely competent of navigating north of Aztec. And the dreaded yellow placards are affixed to vehicles warning the public to approach these drivers with extreme caution! As far as being underdressed while destined for the soft spots in our winter’s deep drifts, please do not interfere with the universe’s attempt at evolution! The Diver is always an advocate for safety and your suggestion of a billboard advising unprepared drivers that they will be ignored, left to freeze into out-of-statecicles and inventoried during the spring melt is a good one.
– Stay Warm and Keep it Fresh
Dear Diver,
I am trying to dream up the ultimate ’80s costume for Snowdown. Only problem is, there are too many options. Do I go “Flock of Seagulls” or heavy metal hair band? Or maybe “Dukes of Hazzard” or “Facts of Life.” I’ve got a great Mrs. Garrett wig. Please diver, pour some sugar on me.
– Hold Me Now
How’s Your Day Glowing?
As a child of the ’80s, returning to the vestiges of that gross and gaudy decade for Snowdown this year strikes the Diver as peculiar and pretty meh. I fondly remember all that is good from those magical years but the hair and fashion of the day didn’t make the list. The looks in the ’80s have actually left me with some serious PTSD. All I’ll suggest is a good blow out, lots of product, jelly bracelets and some righteous drinking to increase your confidence in whatever shit show costume you roll with.
– The Facts of Life
Dear Diver,
It’s not like I’m a loner, but sometimes, I just like to ski alone. I can go down whatever run I want, go in for hot cocoa when I feel like it, snot rocket off the chairlift and go as fast or slow as I want. But inevitably, I run into someone who asks me to take a run, which instantly harshes my alone time. How do I politely decline the invitation without appearing rude or antisocial.
– Only One “I” in Ski
Hot Snotty,
Loner, stoner, mourner, boner … we all have our reasons for skiing alone. I’ve never understood the need to ski together. Maybe it’s the autonomy of snowboarding, my infrequent bathing habits or my dysfunctional temperament. Stopping to chat it up, in the middle of a perfect run, only to mindlessly follow your buds down perplexes me. Circling up to laugh, talk smack and celebrate our blessed existence is what the chair, trees and Schoolhouse are for. It doesn’t matter if you’re cruising corduroy, ripping bumps or snorkeling stellar crystals, choosing, the chance to paint our daily masterpieces upon the white canvas is a sacred gift, and religion is highly personal. But a word of caution: it is widely understood “there are no friends on powder days,” but there are never friends if you’re an arse. So maintain the stoke with some après time and be sure to participate in the social hours and quilting bees on the springtime skin track.
– It’s All Downhill Under the Influenc of Gravity
In a sticky situation?
Seek help from the master of the In-Sinkerator. The diver has the solutions to life’s little messes. Send your problems to, “Ask the Diver:"
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