Johnzo, Lauren & Peter bring the dapper this week.

 
Diver:  Johnzo, Lauren and Peter from Magpies Newsstand
Interesting fact: Cabbage can suffer from jet lag.
 
Dear Diver,
Will someone please tell me why certain cars in the parking lot at Purg have their windshield wipers sticking straight up and why others don’t? Sometimes, I see the same phenomenon around town, but it seems to be most prevalent up at the mountain. What gives? Is it a signal to the mother ship?
– Wiper Watcher
 
Dear Wiper Watcher.
Yes, this is in fact a signal, but not to the mothership. See, when a young male Subaru or Toyota sees a wild potential female mate approach in the parking lot, interesting things happen. What you are observing is the male displaying his “plumage” to signal his intentions. The females do not participate in the same manner, and we have yet to detect their signals. This male activity usually goes on without fruition, and results in wiper blades not freezing to windshields and prolonged wiper health.
– The Tres Diveros
 
Dear Diver,
So, apparently I blew it and gave away the “big secret” to the “Star Wars” movie the other day at work (I will refrain from telling what it is here so as to avoid the wrath of the entire town). My coworker was so mad, I thought she was going to punch me, and now she’s barely speaking to me. I had no idea it was such a big effin deal. I know, I should’ve given a spoiler alert, but shouldn’t people also warn others – especially after it’s been out for 2 weeks and the whole world has seen it and it’s all over the internet– that they don’t want to know? And most importantly, how can I make it up to her?
– Star Thwart
 
Dear Star Farce:
I would suggest making it up to her by taking her out to a movie with actual merit – say, “Trumbo,” or “The Hateful Eight.” Then, maybe she’ll see the pettiness of throwing hissy fits and ambushing relationships over a “big secret” that anybody with a sense of foreshadowing and a pair of working eyes could have seen coming within the first 20 minutes of the movie. She’ll also learn that character development makes a movie relatable, and that substance requires more than throwing millions of dollars at generating hype, and that a crippling reliance on cheap nostalgia does not allow a movie to stand on its own legs.
Or, you could buy her a hat.
– Los Diverinos
 
Dear Diver,
We are supposed to go on vacation with my friend and her husband. My husband is fine with her, but has a distinct disdain for the male in the relationship for some odd reason. Sure the guy’s a bit quirky, but I see no real reason for him to hate him so much. My husband has agreed to keep his dislike to himself, but how do I make sure he doesn’t ruin a good time with awkward behavior or snide comments.
– Tripper
 
Dear Day Tripper,
I agree with your husband, the guy is very quirky, uncomfortably so. But this should not stop you from having a good vacation. Step 1: Do not let your husband imbibe in too much alcohol. This will most likely result in stupid comments spewing forth and ruining a good dinner party. Step 2: schedule some time for you and your husband to spend “alone.”  This will allow him to blow off some “steam.” Also you could provide your husband with a fully functioning brain so he can deal in adult situations.
– Diver Baristas

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