Diver: Trevor Rovert
Interesting Facts: Banging your head against a wall burns 150 calories an hour
 

Dear Diver,
So, a few years back, my mother was visiting and bought me an antique tea cart for my house. Only problem is, I don’t drink tea, nor do I like antiques. Plus, I live in a shoe box and don’t have a lot of room for such non-necessities. Anyway, I got rid of it at a yard sale, made a nice little profit and kept the change. Unfortunately, she has now announced she is coming to visit and asking about that stupid tea cart! She said she can’t wait to see what I’ve done with it. Help! How do I break it to her that it’s gone – and don’t say the truth, because that never works. Plus, I don’t want to get cut from the will.
– Tea Totaller

Dearest Teatoe,
Fear not, I have several brilliant options for how you can deal with Mumsy and, I agree, the truth is certainly not one of them. In order to craft the perfect plan for you I’m going to make an educated guess that mommy is divorced and living alone with a herd of cats. With that in mind, I suggest that you grab your credit card & laptop, pour yourself a stiff cocktail and head over to the modern-day-Ripley’s-believe-it-or-not-freak-show commonly known as eBay. There you will find the world’s finest and strangest selection of retribution items. A quick search and I unearthed a lovely mummified cat dunking a mummified bird into a basketball net. Too macabre? How about an inflatable unicorn horn for one or all of your mom’s 200 cats? Anything feline themed will assure that you had her hobbies and interests in mind.
Happy shopping, – Trevor

Dear Diver,
My riding buddies keep ribbing me about my apparently outdated helmet, asking me if I got a free bowl of soup with it, saying the ’80s just called, calling me bobble head, so on and so forth. Thing is, I don’t give a crap, and it happens to fit like a glove, is totally comfy and gets the job done just fine without having to spend a gazillion dollars on a new, uglier one, in my opinion. Please, diver, help me put them in their places.
– Shut Up and Ride

Dear Open & Shut,
How fascinating that a troop of spandex clad, plum smugglers should be so focused on the appearance of your melon saver. Perhaps you could indulge their sarcastic soup request and wring out your sweaty post-ride Cham-WOW into their water bottle when they aren’t looking. But the simplest solution is to keep your old helmet and just get new friends.
– I like hyphens, Trevor

Dear Diver,
My neighbor is always complaining about how much he works, but as far as I can tell, all he does is sit around in his yard, smoke pot and hang out all day. If this is “work,” where do I sign up for such a gig? I think I’d be pretty good at it.
– In the Wrong Business

Dear Mister Wrong,
Lucky you, getting to live next door to the Executive Director of the Downtown Unimprovement Bureau. I hear he likes beer. Perhaps you could pick up some growlers and help him “get things done.”
– Very Truly Yours, Trevor