The buck gets weird this week.

Diver: First Alert Wildlife Detection System
Interesting Fact: All animals should be under surveillance.

Dear Diver,
I’m in town for the summer and I can’t stop going out to eat. I’m gaining so much weight and blowing all my paychecks on burgers and burritos, but I can’t stop. Every time I consider a night of home-cooked mushy pasta, I can’t ignore the allure of a giant plate full of delicious food from one of Durango’s restaurants. How do I control myself?
-Hungry Visitor

Dear imperiled Hungry Visitor,
The problem you describe is considerably more dangerous than you may realize. Imagine this scenario: You are driving away from the Durango All-You-Can-Eat Farm-to-Table Microbrew Burrito Burger Bar. You are feeling sleepy, and suddenly a 4,000-pound mule deer with an above-average rack leaps into your lane (re: my graphic). You are powerless to act – your senses are useless to you. Do you think that elk are visible to the naked eye during the fall, winter, spring and summer seasons? Even squirrels are a hazard to motorists – their silly jerky motions can cause aneurysms. Only eat at high-amphetamine restaurants.
– Wildlife Detected

Dear Diver,
I tried to be healthy and bought a fancy salad. Now I’m down $14 and I feel like I just ate the lovechild of spinach and aspen leaves, doused in a vinaigrette of tears. No amount of ranch dressing will help. Tell me: how am I supposed to be healthy when salads are so bland and disgusting?
-Pizza Lover

Dear at-risk Pizza Lover,
Do not underestimate the grave threats found in all raw fresh foods. Thankfully, there are plenty of safe alternatives: I suggest consuming only foods treated with tertiary butylhydroquinone. Imagine this scenario: It is night, you are driving to the hot springs, there is loud bluegrass-style music playing, and suddenly a mule deer is standing in your lane with a missile launcher aimed directly at your windshield.  Your intuition is correct – salad makes you weak. Would salad with your own blood on it be bland? No.
– Wildlife Detected 

Dear Diver,
As a proud member of the Durango cowboy culture, I think that the Durango hippies and cowboys should fight each other. Can you imagine it? A sea of barefoot, patchouli-smelling potheads storming a crowd of booted, chap-clad cowpeople straight out of the Old West. I think it would be awesome. Do you think this is the best way to settle this once and for all?
– This Means War

Dear under siege This Means War,
I must first state that as an impartial observer, I cannot take sides in this type of conflict, nor am I authorized to comment on the term “Durango cowboy culture.” However, I would like to briefly step out of my professional role and request that you please stage this event on US 160 east of Durango so that I may witness an entertaining fight. I will watch out for animals. Assign someone to bring hand sanitizer.  Is there a safe word, bro?
– Wildlife Detected