Widdle Wildcat Wolverine

Diver: The Wildcat
Interesting fact: Pineapples eat you while you eat them.

Dear Diver,
So, I’ve been trying to cut down on my wine consumption and have a few alcohol-free days (aka “AFDs”) every week in order to save money and, more importantly, save some calories. The only problem is, when I don’t drink wine I think it’s OK to eat ice cream instead, which is just as many calories and almost as expensive. Should I just go back to my wino ways? Or is there such thing as wine ice cream?
– Char Donnay

Personally, Char,
I think if you love something, you should shove it down your face hole as often as you can. Don’t pull the wool of moderation over your dumb eyes. Forget that “let it go” crap, loving something means consuming it in a selfish, unrestrained savage frenzy. Go get one of those kiddie pools, fill it with wine and ice cream, and tell everyone  you’re Scrooge McDrunk and you run this town. I guarantee you will die happy. You will probably die soon, from drowning in a small blue pool full of tepid wine, melted ice cream and body fluids ... but you will die happy...ish.

It could be worse, but it’s hard to imagine how.
– The Diver

Dear Diver,
Every year, I go all out decorating for the trick or treaters and stock up on the candy. But for some reason, I only get a smattering of kids. I live downtown, just a few blocks from E. 3rd and 4th Aves., but for some reason no one wants to walk the extra steps to come to my house. I’m starting to take it personally. Why doesn’t anyone like me?
– Boo Radley

B.Rad,
I don’t know man. Maybe it’s because you’re a liar. Maybe it’s because you create a Walt-freakin’-Disneyland of a Halloween-scape in your front yard, making everyone think you’re passing out Choco Tacos and king-sized Snicker bars, when all you really have is a plastic pumpkin full of off-brand, butt-crack flavored crap like candy corn and those beige chunks of corn syrup filling-pullers wrapped in unlabeled orange and black paper. Or MAYBE it’s because you opened the door to a guy (who was definitely not me) OBVIOUSLY dressed up in the most badass home-made Wolverine costume and said “Oh look at the widdle kitty cat” before dumping a fist-full of God-forsaken Sixlets in his bag...and MAYBE this guy (not me) told everyone you’re a sicko who licks all the candy before handing it out.
Or maybe it’s just because you’re a big halloweiner.
– You’re welcome, The Diver

Dear Diver,
My neighbor’s a big meth head, and quite frankly, I’m pretty sure he’s stealing my mail in hopes of scoring some money. I’ve come home early a few times, to find him loitering around my mail box and other times have found my mail scattered along the sidewalk. I’ve confronted him and asked if he’s seen anything strange, but he just gets freaky and combative on me. What is the best way to diffuse this situation without instigating neighborhood warfare?
– Breaking Bad

Dear Methmatical,
The only way to defeat a crazy person is to out-crazy them. I mean, you don’t have to go all out...just a few simple tricks to make him back off. For instance, you could start wearing a bowler hat and monocle and call him “Gov’ner” every time you see him. Or, invite him over for supper, and when he asks where the bathroom is, tell him it’s behind a door that actually leads to a closet with a “Beautiful Mind” crazy wall, full of pictures of his family, a handful of evil dictators, and conspiracy theory clippings all connected with a web of red yarn. OR you could mail yourself an envelope that says “FREE METH” that he’ll definitely open, only to find a picture of you in his house, having a tea party with his grandmother, feeding her a slice of rhubarb pie, while she holds a holds a sign that says “You’re next, Chad.” You know...a simple little silly joke like that.

If all that fails, just pelt him in the mouth with Sixlets until he moves.
– The Diver