Nathan is “Dirty” and laid back

Diver: Nathan “Dirty” Markle, Zia South
Interesting fact: For the last 14 years, most people in Durango haven’t known Nathan’s real name

Dear Diver,
Please help settle a very important discussion among my friends. In a fight between a bear, mountain lion and wolf, which animal would win? My one friends says it will be a battle between the bear and the mountain lion with the lion ultimately winning. But I say the wolf, because it would slink away and hide, then come back to feast on the carcasses, thus winning by default. Sneaky but fair, but my friends say the wolf is a loser. So diver, tell us, who is the true king of the mountain?
– Beastie Boys

Dear Beast Mode,
Let me say that I hate stupid questions. These debates are one of the reasons why I quit getting high. That and because now that it’s legal it’s not cool anymore. So instead of thinking about it too much, I asked my eighth-grade Native American friend. He’s blonde and pale but says he’s native and made me a dope dream catcher so I believe him. His answer was a bear because they’re here, big and have more of an advantage. So spark another one and put on some Sabotage and think up more time wasters.
– Sincerely, Dirty

Dear Diver,
Help! Halloween is a week away and I have absolutely no good ideas for a costume. With it being on a Saturday this year, there is extra pressure to make it a good one. Please, Diver, help me come up with some funny, clever and original costume ideas by the 31st. Naughty nurses and sexy kittens need not apply.
– Candy Corn

Dear Candy Ass,
You’ve asked the wrong person. Since I was a kid, my favorite holidays are Snowdown, 4th of July and Halloween. I’m the guy who almost lit his house on fire welding up my steampunk costume and I start planning Halloween costumes around May. You blew it with this Saturday holiday, so go to the Fallen Angel and spend some dollars locally and show some T and A and I guarantee you’ll be a hit. Keep an eye out for Evil Knievel at The Cho so I can show you what a sweet, well-planned costume looks like.
– You’re welcome, Sucio

Dear Diver,
So, I broke the cardinal rule and hired a friend to work for me on my house. We are now going on two months of a job that should’ve taken two weeks. He never shows up, and then when he does, he’s totally stoned. Needless to say, I am going to need to fire him. Is there a way to salvage the friendship and salvage my sanity?
– Homer

Dear “DOH!”
You guys. You lollygag the ball around the infield. You lollygag your way down to first. You lollygag in and out of the dugout. You know what that makes you? Larry!

Larry: Lollygaggers!

Skip: Lollygaggers.

That’s what you’ve got there Homie. A lollygagger. So you need to find yourself a veteran dude named Crash, who’s been around, and some hot new rookie and call him Meat and a local slump buster for them to fight over and work will get done real quick. And your buddy won’t mind cause he’s too busy writing stupid animal battle Q’s to the diver.
– Signing out, Dirtay D