Deputy Dave needs to get a better bra.

Diver: Deputy Dave, gun and drink slinger at the Diamond Belle
Interesting Facts: Dave used to spend his winters at the Stanley Hotel...
 

Dear Diver,
Lately, either on my way to work or just tooling around town, I have seen a lot of dead squirrels and snakes in the road. They are completely flattened like a pancake, with no signs of tire marks that would indicate roadkill. My question: is this another sign of the impending apocalypse? Or is there a squirrel/snake serial killer on the loose? What gives?
– Squirrel Sleuth

Dear Squirrel Sleuth,
If you were such a sleuth wouldn’t you have figured this out on your own? I actually have not seen this rise of dead flattened squirrels, but I have seen a rise in people sitting on all corners of streets in and around Durango. I believe these people are getting to the squirrels for food before I have a chance to see them. Either way I believe all signs point to the apocalypse.
– Clean up the Streets or the End is Near

Dear Diver,
What are canker sores and how do I get rid of them? In addition to being extremely uncomfortable they are getting in the way of me getting some action. Any quick tips for clearing them up in a jiffy and keeping them from coming back?
– Cranky

Dear Cranky,
A canker sore is the cousin to a cold sore, both are with you for life, but only one can be transferred down below by giving an oral exam. So I don’t think the canker sore is getting in the way of you getting any action. As to get rid of them, just share as many drinks and pipes as possible.
–Dental Dam for Life

Dear Diver,
The wife keep nagging me about raking the leaves, but I prefer more of the au naturel look. I mean, aren’t they just gonna get covered in snow and then blow away and disappear in the spring anyway? What’s the point? Seems like a lot of wasted time when I could be inside watching football.
– The Old Rake

Dear Old Rake,
You’re looking at this all wrong. “Honey Do” lists are a great time to escape from your wife. She tells you to do things that you know she would never do herself, so you know you won’t be seeing or hearing from her as you get things done. Don’t think of this as punishment, think of it as non-nagging time. And if you rake those leaves, it’s just one less thing for her to nag you about later. Also, don’t you have a smart phone, you can watch football anywhere, anytime!
– Live That Fantasy Life