Diver: The League of Skeptical Gentlemen
Interesting Facts: A baby rabbit is called a “kitten.”

Dear Diver,
So, it seems that with the dawn of the internet age, people can cower behind their computers and hurl insults like indiscriminate farts. Whatever happened to the good old days where you insulted someone to their face?
– FU-acebook  

Dear Twit—ter,
It seems to us that the Internet — that nebulous entity with which we watch video of people being struck in the loins and face, et al. — has not only dawned, but is in its full-fingered, midday glory. Perhaps you missed it while writing “Lost” fan fiction, adding Scott Stapp’s solo record to your Napster queue, and indiscriminately breaking wind in your Old Navy cargoes.

That said, we encourage you to resurrect the good-old days and insult people to their faces. Seek out robust, aggressive individuals whom you are unlikely to elude and insult them harshly, using the most colorful language that you possess (we assume you have a firm command of the profane and the base vernacular, if little else). Consider pointing your finger directly in your victim’s faces as a measure of physical punctuation. Oh, and please do be sure to bring a friend who will document the proceedings and upload them to YouTube afterward. We will certainly want to watch.
— Here’s to betting that you’ll cower, TLoSG

 

Dear Diver,
I just found out my boyfriend of one year is cheating on me. And, with Durango being the small town that it is, I, of course, was the last one to know. Fortunately, I don’t get mad, I get even. Please diver, what is the best way to get back? I defer to your sinisterly spiteful judgment.
– Scorned

Dear Hurricane Oblivious,
We are led to believe, judging by the sanctimonious tone you’ve taken, that you are not unlike those mouth-breathing dilettantes who seize any opportunity to let the rest of us know that they “do what they want.” Let’s be honest, Hurricane — you don’t get angry or even (just as the mouth breathers do not “do what they want”.) If you did, you wouldn’t be writing in to an advice column to sort out what to do.

But don’t worry, the League of Skeptical Gentlemen is here to help (Read: to do the Google search for you). While breaking his things might be cathartic, and selling his car for the cost of a cup of coffee satisfying enough, we suggest you follow the example of the woman who feigned ignorance of her partner’s dalliance, bought herself expensive lingerie with their joint bank account, and seduced him one Friday night. When the moment came to utilize a prophylactic, she used one that she had lined with habanero sauce. Complete the cocktail of devastation by cleaning the toilet with his toothbrush.
— Google is free, TLoSG

 

Dear Diver,
My kids seem to really like this cartoon “Adventure Time,” but whenever I watch it with them, it seems like a bad acid trip on steroids. It’s neither funny nor entertaining — just creepy, violent and disturbing. Should I be worried about their mental health and/or future drug experimentation? Or is it just a sign that I’m old?
– Looking for the Changer

Dear Fuddy-Duddy,
We assume that you are of an average age to be the parent of a 9- 14-year-old. This would mean that you came of age during the 90s and, as such, probably watched Nickelodeon during your formative years. We wonder what “Ren & Stimpy” looks like through those rose-colored glasses you’re wearing?

Speaking of “creepy” and “violent,” it seems to us that those would be accurate adjectives for “Looney Tunes.” Remember the Roadrunner’s vindictive taunting of Wile E. Coyote after the latter had been smashed by an anvil, duct-tapped to his own rocket and blasted into space? That’s to say nothing of “Tom and Jerry’s” sadomasochistic relationship.
The truth is, Fuddy, that kids are (and always have been) creepy, violent and disturbed. The networks are just giving the little bastards themselves.
– They’re coming for you in the night, TLoSG

Seek help from the master of the In-Sinkerator. The diver has the solutions to life’s little messes. Send your problems to, “Ask the Diver:"
- 1309 E. Third Ave., Room 3 Durango, CO, 81301
- fax (970) 259-0488
- telegraph@durangotelegraph.com