Knee-Ko comes out from hiding to solve your problems.

Diver: Knee-Ko-Swah-Vay
Interesting facts: Bill Gates, the world’s richest man, reportedly loads his families’ dirty dishes into the dishwasher after dinner. What a guy!

Dear Diver,
I am a total sucker for reality TV – Kardashians, Intervention, Top Chef, Triple D, House Hunters, you name it. I am especially vulnerable late at night. I stop to watch for five seconds and next thing I know, it’s midnight and I have nothing to show for myself. I feel like such a voyeur. What is wrong with me?
– Reality Bites

Dear Reality Bites,
Being a voyeur is a bad thing? Lots of successful people are voyeurs. Cool thing is, when your mom calls and asks you what you’re doing with your life, you can tell her you’re staying up late studying to be a voyeur. The trick is, you have to say “voyeur” real fast and slur so it sounds like “lawyer.” It should keep her off your back for a bit while you continue your research into what can be considered the most voyeuristic society since Cleopatra’s Egypt. Speaking of Cleopatra, did you know she was way into sex toys? Yeah, she had a couple of her slaves fill a thin animal skin with live honeybees. No batteries necessary! I bet even Kimmie K. hasn’t thought of that one.
– Bzzzzzzz ... Knee-Ko
 

Dear Diver,
Once again, everyone and their dog is taking off for spring break, except for me. Doesn’t anybody work in this town or an I the only one? I feel so lonely.
– Spring Broke

Dear Spring Break,
It’s time you part ways with Durango cause you’re just not getting it. Don’t fear! I hear toast (yes, bread and butter) is the next big thing in San Francisco. Go hitch the next bus out of here heading toward California and get yourself some kick-ass toast! Actually we don’t have a bus service to anywhere, so maybe you should give up on trying to leave and just make it to river season. As river season approaches, you’ll need to stoop to new lows of bribing, begging and/or friendly favors (think Cleopatra) to get your butt on a raft for the Animas River Parade and other high-water runs. Upon journeying down our fair town run whilst partying like you’re back in college, your mind will be so blown that next spring break you won’t be asking this question to the diver because you’ll have “adjusted” your work schedule, bought a Sportsmobile and be solidly ensconced at Indian Creek passing the time before river season with your hands deep in some crack!
– A little dirt never hurt, Knee-Ko

Dear Diver,
How do I get my roommates to pick up after themselves? What they do in their own rooms is fine, but when their crap starts spilling over into common areas it drives me crazy. At first, I tried to look past it and do their dirty dishes of caked-on mac ‘n’ cheese, and recycle the empty beer cans and pizza boxes, but they just can’t take a hint. Please, Diver, help me help them help themselves.
– Not Your Mom

Dear Not Your Mom,
Ok so like ... ummmm ... I really wish you guys would like ... just once in a while ... like ... oh never mind I’ll just do it. That’s you isn’t it?! Pathetic! I’m reminded of the 2nd worst roommate I’ve ever had in Durango (Please don’t ask about 1st worst roommate. I’ve got PTSD).  2nd worst roommate literally looked like she might snatch me up with her beak and send me wriggling head first down her gullet like I was a fat and lazy ground hog (which I was). My advice: take up ultra-running and run no less than 100 miles every day.  When you get home, you’ll be so hungry your roommates will think you’re going to eat them, too. You’ll merely have to glance at the pile of dishes for them to jump into action. After this simple transformation, you’ll have great legs, a spotless kitchen, and you’ll have taught your roomies the spiritual and moral values of diving!
– Keep your hands wet, Knee-Ko