Brad - business up top, party down below.

Diver: Bradley Abeyta
Interesting facts: Brad makes trading cards using people’s social media information

Dear Diver,

I’ve had a problem since the day I saw “Titanic” in theatres in 1997. When Rose finally let go of Jack’s frozen hands, my heart broke. He told her he would never let go!! It was an unacceptable plot move – and everybody knows they both could have fit on that door. Now every time I get into a relationship, I think of Jack’s tragic demise and panic because love can be lost so quickly. “Titanic” ruined my life. How do I move forward?

– My Heart Won’t Go On

Dear My Heart Won’t Go On,

I’m no scientist, but I think with Jack’s added weight, the door would have sunk. I have no time to verify this information, so you’ll just have to take my word as fact.  As American hero Colin Powell once said, “There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work, and learning from failure.” What Colin Powell is trying to tell you is that you must be prepared going into any relationship, and the only way that you can be prepared is to secure tactical superiority over your potential partner. I highly recommend learning their favorite restaurants, hobbies, hopes, dreams, daily schedule, traumatic memories, and fears before you even think about initiating a conversation. This is the foundation to any successful relationship. Thank you for your question.

– Diver

Dear Diver,             

It all started when I bought a bucket hat to participate in the new ironic trend. But when I wore it in public the other day, everyone thought I was serious. What do you suggest: Should I try to explain my misunderstood fashion choice to my friends or should I find a new crowd who doesn’t judge me and call me “toddler hat?”

– Heartbroken Hipster

Dear Heartbroken Hipster,

When your friends call you “toddler hat” they are merely being playful. It’s like when I’m hanging out with my “bros” and they call me “idiot” and “don’t even think about coming over here ever again, you monster.” I recommend wearing your toddler hat with pride and dishing some playful banter back at them. Your friends will find it hilarious when you remind them they are worthless because they dropped out of college, or their marriage ended in a painful divorce that resulted in them losing everything they ever loved and now they’re struggling with crippling alcoholism. To paraphrase the Golden Rule: “Don’t dish it out, if you can’t take it.” Thank you for your question.

– Diver

Dear Diver,

Recently I’ve noticed that when I wear tank tops, there is some spillage out the sides. This can only be referred to as the Fat Upper Boob Area (FUBA). I’m a pretty active person, but my FUBA problem is getting out of control and I no longer feel comfortable in my own skin. Please help! Should I try liposuction, gimmicky workouts, tricky makeup contouring, or something else?

– Overflowing

Dear Overflowing,

The way to solve your anxiety about your FUBA is to embrace the fear head on*. As Sigmund Freud once said in a thick Austrian accent, “Being entirely honest with oneself is a good exercise.” I recommend wearing your tank tops with pride, and finding something incredibly offensive to wear that people can focus on instead. I would prioritize getting a full-face tattoo or a bucket hat. When you can learn to wear one of these with complete confidence, you will find that you can apply the same techniques to accepting and embracing your FUBA.

*I am not a mental health professional; this may be horrible advice.

– Diver