Mystery Ghost Cowgirl.

Diver: Mystery Ghost Cowgirl
Interesting facts: All the ants alive in the world together weigh about the same as all the humans.

Dear Diver,

I work in the service industry here and have noticed a great influx of so-called “pot tourists.” While I am all for people coming to our fair city to spend money and keep the economy going all in the name of good fun, they do create some special, shall we say, “challenges.” i.e., ordering wrong, forgetting what they ordered, walking out on tabs, stiffing me for the tip, and generally being difficult to communicate with. Does the diver have any tips for dealing with this new “green” breed or touron?

– Short Changed

Dear Short Changed,

Pot tourism is a real thing?? This is a tough one, and kind of a bummer because I’m sure they order a lot of food. Unfortunately, service industry workers often are treated rudely, but aren’t allowed to stick up for themselves. I would say the best way to handle this problem is to revolt against the bourgeoisie. Down with capitalism!

– Giddy Up

Dear Diver,

So, once again, I haven’t had time to spend in my boat, slowly ramping up for high water. And here we are at 5,000 cfs, and I am shaking in my booties. I know I’ll be OK once I get in there but am feeling a little gripped. What can I do to prepare for the rushing torrent and get myself psyched up? Any relaxation tips would also be greatly appreciated.

– Nervous Nellie

Dear Nervous Nellie,

You’ll have to be sneaky, but I can 100 percent promise that a pre-paddle skinny dip will do the trick. It will loosen you up and the adrenaline will vanquish your nerves later on. The exposure will make you feel safe and dry in your boat, and you’ll have all the confidence in the world. It may be illegal, but I assure you this is solid advice.

– Ride ’em Cowgirl

Dear Diver,

I am horrible with names and often find myself fumbling when I run into someone. What’s better: to take a wild guess and risk getting it wrong, and at least showing them that you made an effort. Or just using the generic “hey dude” greeting, pretty much ensuring that they know you don’t know their name?

– Tongue Tied 

Dear Tongue Tied,

It really depends. Usually by the time you’re in that situation, it’s already over. In the future when you meet people, mentally repeat their name 15 times while (inconspicuously) looking at their face. Low-key creepy, but it helps. As a rule-of-thumb, I would probably choose a pause-filled “hey dude” paired with an awkward friendly arm punch over blatantly butchering a name. Extra tip: Sometimes it’s fun to establish dominance over enemies by purposefully forgetting their name. For example, say your ex-significant other Josh is rapidly approaching with a new prize on his arm. Be cool and, after feigning surprise, toss out a casual, “Oh, hey Joe.” This works on ex-spouses as well. Really the less believable it is, the more offensive it will be.

– Rider on the Storm