Mace digs in.

Dear diver,

I was recently sent a “graduation announcement” for a distant relative I haven’t seen or heard from in years who lives in another state. I’m no fool, I know these are not-so-covert “please send me money” pleas. But really? Seems kind of tacky considering I probably couldn’t pick this kid out of a lineup. Isn’t there some sort of mileage and/or time statute of limitations on this kind of postal panhandling?

– Tapped Out

Dear Tapped In,

See what I did there? It’s called foreshadowing, because we’re gonna tap you back in!  My question to your question: why is this distant relative distant in the first place? Did they not poke you enough on Facebook when that was still a thing? Dysfunctional or not, family is family, and maybe now is a good opportunity to catch up with this member. So take the high road and respond (by hand and sans currency) to their announcement exclaiming how you haven’t heard from them in a while, how you would love to hear what they’ve been up to and what their plans for the future are. If they actually take the time to write you back, then reward their improved communication with a fat stack of singles.

-Makin it rain, Your Diver

Dear Diver,

The presidential election is almost a year and a half away and my father has already started the barrage of anti-Hilary mail. Needless to say, I just hit “delete,” but it still seems like a violation. I mean, it’s not like I send him anti-Jeb or anti-Rick Perry email. (Although I couldn’t resist the one of Mitt in his “special” underwear a few years back.) How do I politely request he please remove me from his “send all,” and that no matter how many ignorant, biased and sexist emails he sends, he is not going to convert me?

– Boxed In

Dear Shape Up,

Ok, first things first, your old man just assumes you’re a spineless Democrat just like all the other blue donkeys out there. Prove him wrong and return fire! It shouldn’t be hard, look at the field; like shooting fish in a barrel. Unfortunately it’s that way for both sides. Come on ‘Merica, is this all?! I mean there’s Bernie, but the dude is seriously lacking in sex appeal. We need to look good while running the world. Maybe it’s time to have an adult conversation with pops. Maybe he’s got a few points that ring true, or maybe you’ve got an argument that he hasn’t considered. If all else fails, the delete button is only one click away, it’s not that much effort to make considering the effort your parents put into raising you.

– Hee haw, Your Diver

Dear Diver,

Wedding season is once again upon us, and I have no fewer than four nuptials to attend between now and Labor Day. Is there a one-size-fits-all gift that won’t break the bank?

– Always a Bridesmaid

Dear More Popular Than I Am,

I see knives on registries pretty often, but who wants to be an accessory to murder?! I’d rather be an accessory to love! It’s time for the groom to learn the first rule of marriage: happy wife, happy life. So let’s focus on the bride. Nothing screams how pretty she is than a full-length mirror. Save money by buying the narrower kind, it’s slimming. Or allow me to suggest a karaoke machine. They’re under $50, and it’s the gift that keeps on giving. You can be the bridesmaid they never wanted, but the bridesmaid they needed by belting out the first tune. May I suggest The Darkness, “I Believe in a Thing Called Love.”

– Impacting Nuptial Invites One Good Idea at a Time, Your Diver