Sala Pam der opens wide.

Dear Diver,

As horrified as I am to admit, the other night, I had a dream (nightmare?) about a three-way between Mike and Carol Brady and the pop singer Lorde. I am still haunted by Mrs. Brady’s red g-string. Please, help me erase this disturbing image from my mind. More importantly, what does it mean? Do I need professional help?

– Disturbed in Dwest

Dearest Disturbed,

Glad you came to me for help, first of all you must be a child of the ’70s and watched a lot of “Brady Bunch.” I think that secretly, we all have wondered about the Brady’s sex life, they seem to be so wholesome and we would never even think about them having sex. Anyhow it sounds like you might be needing a boyfriend/girlfriend or to get a lil “action.” I would say lay off the TV for a while and go down the river. Consult me again if these dreams persist – hopefully not!

– Sweet Dreams,

The Diver

Dear Diver,

Help! My parents are forcing me to get a job this summer because they say all I do is sit around the house. But I am just trying to enjoy the last of my prime years of life before I have to enter adulthood forever. Are there any jobs where I can sit around, enjoy myself and still make my parents happy?

– Sixteen Blues

Dear Sixteen Blues,

I totally relate and understand. If you live in Durango, you should just become a raft guide like the rest of us. You could also think about working at the movie theater selling tickets, that’s a job where you can people watch. Enjoying yourself is a state of mind, I can find a way to enjoy most anything. As far as adulthood goes, I’m still trying to figure that one out. Good luck.

– Enjoy the last of your free time, The Diver

Dear Diver,

I am headed to Europe this summer but am not a very worldly traveler. What does the diver recommend so as not to appear the “ugly American?” Also, any tips on how not to advertise “mug me!” to would-be thieves would also be appreciated.

– Ugly Betty

Dear Ugly Betty,

First, you probably shouldn’t sign your name as “Ugly Betty.” How about “Bow Betty” or “Shred Betty?”  Do a lil’ research and either learn some new languages or find out some local traditions and customs, be kind and generous. If you dress like the rest of us in Durango, you’ll look too poor to be mugged.

– Have a nice trip, The Diver