Sara Michael, diver and conspiracy theorist.

Diver: Sara Michael
Interesting facts: John F. Kennedy’s favorite poem was “I Have a Rendezvous with Death” by Alan Seeger.
 

Dear Diver,
What’s up with all these “Despicable Me” minions all over everything? The other day I saw some minion-themed paper towels at Wal-Mart. My only question is why? Is it too much to ask to go a day without seeing those creepy yellow creatures covering everything in sight? Do you have any advice on how to survive until the movie has left theaters?
– Minion Opinion

Dearest Minion Opinion,
Yes, yes, they’ve moved on from being despicable to simply menacing. The frenzy related to these multilingual creatures is comparable only to the moon landing all those years ago, though that’s still up for debate, too. I suggest that you enlist your best pair of sunglasses, a pair of headphones and your favorite Cheeba Chew. Then, just suck it up! I have faith that you can power through this too, because nothing lasts forever in this country except illegitimate taxes and racism.
– minionedooutalso

Dear Diver,
I feel like I spend all my time driving. Until all those scientists finally get their act together and figure out teleportation, I need a creative new method of getting to work. Do you have any ideas?

– Off-Roading

Dearest Off-Roadee,
Alas it’s true! With Durango now being considered the grooviest micropolis around, it can be challenging to navigate the new medians, not to mention those pesky green bike lanes, supposing that’s what they actually are. Unfortunately, due to the fact that teleportation is not yet permitted by the FAA because of the governments secret usage of alien drones, nor permitted by the FDA, based on the chemical constituents necessary for this type of journey – it will have to suffice for you to quit your job for now. I suggest you open your own meditation studio and hold open hours where people can get together after a calming meditation to complain about their collective traffic experience in Durango. Please let me know when you get to the topic of population control, as the Texan influx has only just begun.
– despisedrivedgo

Dear Diver,
I want to impress my grandkids by being in the loop about pop culture, but I can’t relate at all to Drake’s lyrics, and the E! Network just baffles me. Also, what is a “bae?” I am desperately in need of any wisdom or advice you can offer.
– #coolgrandpa

Dearest #coolgrandpa,
I feel your pain. I’ve been trying to be cool for decades, and I’ve decided it’s OK to finally give it up and just be me, so you can, too. To be of best service to your Grandbaes, watch the “Huffington Post’s” Dickipedia. Forget the E Network, it’s totally shallow, just pick up an US Weekly magazine instead. As far as “bae” goes, after a cursory review of Google University’s Virtual Library, it is clear that “bae” means everything from poo in Danish to “my holy babe” for modern tweens who lack basic grammar skills. So, Grandpa, whatever you do, make sure that you let your precious grandbabies know that grammatically correct English is a truly dying art form, and just don’t use the word. Unless of course you want to refer to chores related to your lawn and the family dog.
– #proudlyuncoolmommyforever