Hurly girlies, Hank & Dabz.

Diver: Hank & Dabz of KDUR’s GURL HURL
Interesting facts: You can tune in to our show every Wednesday from 10 p.m. to midnight. Viva la riot grrl radio!
 

Dear Diver,
In case you haven’t heard the news, One Direction’s Louis Tomlinson is reportedly going to be a dad. Whether or not it turns out to be a rumor, this event has opened my eyes to my problem. 1D has taken over my life. Ever since Zayn left, I haven’t been myself. I need to purge my mind of this boy band, but I’m too emotionally invested to quit cold turkey. How do I move forward?
– In Too 1Deep

Dear In Too 1Deep,
Ah, you’re a Directioner. The internet has warned us of your type. Addiction is a serious predicament and you’re facing the worst kind: Boy Band Fan Girl Syndrome. Though Zayn Malik has an amaZayn jaw line and 1Derful locks of chocolate hair, did you really believe the boys of 1D were going to stay young and pristine forever? Us two chicks were huge fans of My Chemical Romance in middle school days, and we  have accepted that Gerard Way is no longer our preadolescent dreamboat (a gothic theatric vampire) and is now very much an adult and a hot dad (R.I.P. MCR). However, quitting cold turkey could be heartbreaking, so Dr. Hank and Dr. Dabz will prescribe gradually less shitty boy bands to your iTunes in order to ween you off your addiction. First dose: Backstreet Boys. Fear not, you’ll be listening to N.W.A. in no time.
– Previous MCRmy Members

Dear Diver,
I have a bad habit where I come home from a night out and drunkenly go online shopping. I have bought a gallon dispenser of sunscreen, a Cinderella costume and multiple ugly holiday sweaters. I can’t afford all this stuff, but I don’t know how to stop. What should I do?
– Cursed

Dear Cursed,
Your bad habit while inebriated sounds like one of the raddest ways you can spend your time. Between the two us, we have ordered the following off Amazon or Ebay in the middle of a black out: a Santa costume; Season 1 & 2 of TV’s “Shot of Love With Tila Tequilla;” yuppie Lacoste polos; a Totoro Kigurumi; a pound of decorative dried flowers; really cheap lingerie from China; and far too many zines. Maybe your friends should cut you off from your laptop on nights out the same way homegirls make each other’s phones off limits to each other when someone wants to drunkenly text her high school boyfriend who dumped her on her 15th birthday (time won’t heal this wound, RAY BARKIS). Or rather, just don’t go home. You can sleep on one of the couches at Moe’s, they’re really comfy.
– Your Fellow Interweb Spenders

Dear Diver,
My fiancée just moved in with me, and I’m not totally sure, but I think my dog Rufus likes her better than me now. Despite the fact that I’m the one who walks him, feeds him and cleans up his barf when he eats grass, Rufus always ignores me and attacks her with kisses now. I don’t want to be jealous, but I want my dog to think I’m the single greatest being on earth like he used to. Do you have any advice?
– Offended Owner

Dear Offended Owner,
Get your head out of your dog’s Rufeus maximus and let him know who’s the master here! There is no relationship that should come between you and your dog thinking that you are the God-like handler of the leash that you are. Kick your financée out of the house, there is no need for her anymore. Cancel all wedding plans, this is urgent. Upgrade to the premium dog food and take Rufus to the dog park to solidify the bond you once had. I truly believe you and Rufus will have another honeymoon phase, and your current financée will have no part of it.
– Sorry times are ruff, Hank & Dabz