Tim in his secret doomsday bunker.

Diver: Tim from Oatie Paste
Interesting facts: At its CD release party in the fall, Oatie Paste promises a non-repeat of last time.

Dear Diver,

Recently I’ve seen a lot of people walking around town barefoot. I was thinking about hopping on the bandwagon, but before I commit I want to become more informed. Could you outline the pros and cons of shoeless life? What would you recommend?

– Bare to the Bone

Dear Bare to the Bone,

I’ve been noticing that as well, it seems that all the rain this year has finally convinced people that it’s time for a foot wash. Personally, I prefer flip flops because you get the best of both worlds. I can quickly jump from being a barefooted hooligan to a respectable citizen eagerly welcomed at upscale establishments like DSP without so much as a tied lace! But if you are one of those all-or-nothing types, keep this in mind: mountainous areas are notoriously full of rocks and other jagged objects, which, while tough on the feet, can help numb your body and mind to pain. So the next time you find yourself at The Ranch at last call unsure of how to proceed with the babe you’ve been chatting up all night, you can rest assured that the imminent rejection won’t cause any lasting effects. On the downside, they probably won’t let you into the bar without shoes, so you’ll have to live the rest of your life wondering what could have been.

 – Diver

Dear Diver,

I just had wisdom teeth surgery, and afterwards they gave me a box with my very own pearly whites inside. I’m not really sure what they thought I would want to do with pulled chompers. Do you have any ideas?

– Less Wise

Dear Less Wise,

There are a couple options. First, you could walk the river trail and collect a few small rocks or other pint-sized natural wonders and together, with your former oral associates, put together a nice necklace. You’ll be the most fashionable beer pong player at this weekend’s keg party! Or, you could wait until your roommate goes to work and while he or she is gone, sneak them into their change jar. That will surely get them a nice look next time they decide to cash in at the bank.

  – Diver

Dear Diver,

I’m on vacation for the summer and I want to fit in, but the Jimmy Choos and statement hats I packed make me stick out like a sore thumb here. Help, how do I disguise myself to look like the average Durango resident? 

– Anxious in Armani

Dear Anxious in Armani,

Relax, all it takes is some time. When I first moved to Durango in 2002, I had dyed hair that was spiked in every direction and a studded belt that could never quite figure out how to hold up my torn Zumiez jeans. Every time I walked down my dorm hall at FLC, I had to tilt my head to the right to avoid ripping apart the well-manicured dreads of passersby. Needless to say, a sore thumb didn’t even begin to describe how out of place I felt. After a while, I happened to wander into a backcountry equipment store and found that all it took was a few hundred dollars to retool my appearance. Since that day, you can hardly tell me apart from the roughneck river guides that dot the downtown scene.

– Diver