“Doc,” Diver and supermodel.

Diver: “Doc” Jones
Interesting facts: If you try to use a snorkel as a straw, there is a pretty good risk of drowning. At least that is what I’ve discovered.
 

Dear Diver,

I want to propose to my girlfriend, but every time I finally psych myself up enough to get on one knee, I panic and end up pretending I thought I saw a quarter on the ground. I’m afraid I’m going to stumble with my words or say something wrong. I’m seriously considering preparing notecards, or maybe recording my speech beforehand and lip-syncing. Do you have any advice?

– Anxious in Love

Dear Indecent Proposal,

I see a lot of truly annoying Instagram and Facebook wedding photos in your future, but getting there will need some work. First of all, finding the imaginary quarters on the ground needs to stop immediately. You’re not a 10-year-old in an arcade for goodness sake. And lip-syncing? Don’t ever say that again! What you really need is a foolproof plan to make this proposal finally happen. Write the words you want to say in a card and hand it to your girlfriend. This way, whether you actually find the imaginary quarter or not, there is no going back. If you don’t do this soon, I definitely see a future filled with coin collecting and cats.

– Diver

Dear Diver,

After watching a bunch of spy movies, I’m pretty sure I have what it takes to become a secret agent. I just bought a bunch of black clothes, but other than that I’m not sure where to begin. Please help me, Diver. I’m ready for a life of fast-moving action and shady tricks. What steps should I take to fulfill my dream?

– If I told you, I’d have to kill you.

Dear 007,

Let me start by saying I don’t see this ending well. All of the black clothes you bought makes it seem like you would rather be a shadow-lurking ninja than a spy. However, if you are still set on becoming a spy, there are a few vital things we need to discuss. A true spy would wear clothes that blend in, so unless you plan on spying at a Johnny Cash convention, I would get a more diverse wardrobe. Second, spies are great drivers and know how to get away in high-speed chase situations, especially in mountainous places like Austria or the Swiss Alps. To train for this, you should really practice a lot of high-speed night drives between Silverton and Ouray. Just don’t forget to remove the pizza delivery sign from the top of your Prius first. Good luck, and when in doubt, cut the red wire. I look forward to reading about your upcoming arrest.

– Diver

Dear Diver,

My boss just got back on a vacation from Greece and brought me back a jar of olives. Thoughtful, right? The only problem is that I am terribly allergic to olives. I should have said something, but I didn’t want to be rude. When I knew she was looking, I popped one into my mouth and now there’s no going back. Even as I write this, I feel my throat tightening. How do I get out of this predicament without her knowing?

– Eager to please

Dear Olive My Boss,

The simple fact that you already knew you were terribly allergic to olives and put one in your month just shows how far you will go to gain your boss’ approval. Either way, at this point your face is probably turning purple and your boss just called 911. Since it’s very clear that people pleasing is more important to you than sound judgment, I would recommend a lifetime supply of EpiPens my friend.

– Diver